[HelloDiDi]

I was very close on deleting also my fb and Reddit accounts, deleting all pictures I have here... I took two sedatives and feel like a very tired zombie right now. It calms my mind enough so that I can stop crying, this is what I have them prescribed for. I was going into a full blown panic attack. Hyperventilation, almost puking, crying uncontrollably and feeling like dying. It literally feels like my heart breaking in pieces and my life is exiting my body. Its horrible.

I've talked about it many times, minimising internet usage, minimising exposure to dysphoria triggers and I'm going to do it now. I wont post pictures anywhere else except in private, on BN and maybe occasionally on facebook and I will follow NOTHING what so ever, just check replies on my own stuff and private messages and chats on Discord. I have to do something to protect myself. My transition is at very sensitive point right now. This internet shit totally ruins any joy from body changes and it destroys my tiny bits of confidence, it makes my dysphoria spiral into panic driven madness unless I stop.

I want to become beautiful, I want to cure my dysphoria, I want to fix my body. There's zero joy in it if everything around me is always ten times better. So I rather not look into anything and pretend I'm alright. I always feel better in real world anyway. I'm always perceived better in real world too as I'm not photogenic at all.

I'm hurting but I'm too tired to cry more.

[Mashtenn]

Looking at those photos today I can see some significant changes.  You're getting curves and shape that you are trying to achieve.  It's not going to be an overnight success just like NBE.  I can understand what you are feeling but hang in there.  You'll have your good and bad days.  Sending big hug.

[HelloDiDi]

I'm feeling a bit better today. Deleting that mind-fuck-a-gram was the best thing I've done for a while. I'm no good to post anything in there... I feel way too inferior and disgusting. I'm going to stop posting pics anywhere except here and maybe some random one on facebook some times. I'm totally absolutely fucking done with all social media fake unreal SIMS shite from planet zog which has nothing to do with real life or real people any more. That can all go, I have to protect myself and try to heal.

With that out of the way, its day ten post op and I think this is the day I wont take a single painkiller any more. Yesterday morning was harsh so I still had to take some but today I feel fine. Except for the headache from sleeping with my neck bent in a nasty way. Darn messed up pillow did it.

So, almost no pain what so ever, only when I get up from bed or sit down/bend over etc., and its defined to love handle area and lower part of flanks where I have those big stretch marks. Below them was a hard spot with very thick fat tissue which required quite a job to deal with. Especially on my right is the problem spot. Interestingly, lipo has made the stretch marks much longer and thicker and they stand out. Not that I mind, those are some of the most feminine feature I have as they're on my hips, right where the bone is close to skin. I've only seen cis women get them like that and I love it. I'm absolutely going to highlight them in pictures and not shy away from being so "ugly" and "faulty" and shit. Screw beauty standards, its all lies and bullshit anyway, this is how a real woman looks like. lol.


And then some breast pics, I took them in dim lighting with the spotlight next to me just so that I can get a strong contrast going. Its a long time since I took photos in this kind of light.


I'm very much still in T4, somehow the fat graft enchaned it, my areolas are much wider than before and they stand out a lot. I'm also very disappointed how my nipples have gone back to being so goddamn tiny. All it took was few weeks off of lactation and pumping. It seems I can't make them grow permanently at all. Almost six months of pumping with +600 recorded hours and lactating for a long time did nothing. I'm totally out of ideas, maybe they will never grow permanently, maybe mine are the kind which swell enormous but just don't grow permanent size ever, at all. I'm very disappointed about that as I want big feminine nipples, but I guess I'll have them ugly tiny peas for the rest of my life, unless someone comes up with plastic surgery fix to that which I have no nowledge existing?

It seems like I can't have them the way I want to. I can make my boobs huge, I can get several fat grafts, even opt for implants to finish the job, I can do NBE for years to come, but I just can't grow my nipples. I'm so disappointed with that, everything else works out fantastically but no nipples for me... Everybody else gets them so easy, without any fucking effort it seems, but not me.   

I restarted topicals btw, still missing Prog cream. I'm also restarting milk thistle and ginseng on monday, the parcel is taking ages to arrive. I'm also testing volufiline on my boobs now, its been fantastic on my lips and cheeks so far. Not that it would make me beautiful as I'm a mediocre scarecrow anyway. But worth noting, volufiline does what it promises.

[HelloDiDi]

Here's some pictures I took yesterday. I'm finally feeling like posting these... So today the situation is largely unchanged, I took bandages off as everything is healing nicely. Swelling slowly going down, there's maybe a tiny bit less than yesterday. Its no joke when they say that swelling will take months to completely disappear. I think after a month it'll be mostly gone. 

[HelloDiDi]

I didn't even notice earlier, today I hit 32 months on HRT, so its time for a timeline update. I took some pictures. Measurements will have to wait some more.



Here's some pictures, ordinary stuff and few just for the heck of it.... With my not so tiny hands for scale.

[Mashtenn]

Thanks for posting your progress.  As I said yesterday, you're progressing nicely.  Yes, it's a shame that your nipples aren't as large as they were before, but I've noticed that with mine from pumping mine.  When I can, I will go back and use my supple nips which seems to bring them back to life.  Once you're able to pump again I'm sure you will see changes again.  Wishing you continued success.

[Billie]

Wonderful surgery progress. It is the shape of your breasts going from one type of breasts to full curvy with hip to waist ratio near to perfectly scientifically desireable.

I was sad to hear about your loss of sex drive. Personally I have been using  Horny Goat Weed and Maca. It gives me a near normal sex drive. My issue is I am fairly impotent and sterile too. Amaizingly with Horny Goat Weed my ejaculate has been greater than normal now even with zero sperm.

[HelloDiDi]

Fifteen days post op.

I'm doing great with recovery. No painkillers needed, not even for my left hip which I hurt badly the otherday as I fell down the stairs. It was bad, I got crazy dark black and red bruise on my hip, that and elbow took the worst. It was so painful I nearly fainted from the pain. Weird how I can deal with tooth ache, plastic surgery, insane nerve pains in carpal tunnels... But falling few steps with all my weight hitting my hip makes me nearly lose consciousness?   

Anyway, stitches are gone. All wounds are healing well and I'm likely to not get much visible scars as they're so tiny they will likely fade. Swelling keeps on gradually going down which is happening interestingly spot by spot. My flanks, back and waistline is of course still the worst, upper back seems to be going down fastest. I've been drinking a lot of water and pineapple juice to help getting all that fluid on the move and its working. The pressure cloth has gotten extremely annoying and I still have more than three weeks left to wear it daily. Its not something I would do for fun as its like a mild corset pressure eightteen hours a day.

My breasts seem to have not lost any more volume since swelling went down, this was much quicker than from the lipo areas. I feel like I have growth starting and in some pictures they look slightly bigger than last week. It would make sense as I started topicals, Omega3, Milk Thistle and Ginseng after taking some time off. At least there was definitely time for a receptors to rest.

Here's me wearing the red dress, I wish I had more fitting bra to go with this, something with lower cups, like 3/4 or so. My 40KK/38L Elomi Molly is definitely not the right size for me any more. It feels ok, but the band is loose so less lift and support than before. I did try one of my older bras with 36 band btw and that felt perfect! So my band measurement will likely go down quite a lot once all swelling is gone and then I have to go up the cup size. My guesstimate is that I will end up with 36LL or M next. I'm going to wait until I'm at least one month post to get measurements done and then I have to figure out how to order from Poland, they have such amazing selections over there, I can't wait.



Here's my breast situation as it is now. I don't think there's much volume loss at all and I may be growing some more already. At least itch and aches are back again. Also even thought I'm not pushing it, I'm lactating a bit, thick white milk droplets any time I wish to get some out. I'm not pumping yet either. I think its likely the oatmeals, milk thistle and slightly higher dose of GABA that does it. I wish it would be so easy to also push the supply higher as I start lactating so easy its ridiculous.

[HelloDiDi]

Wonderful surgery progress. It is the shape of your breasts going from one type of breasts to full curvy with hip to waist ratio near to perfectly scientifically desireable.

I was sad to hear about your loss of sex drive. Personally I have been using  Horny Goat Weed and Maca. It gives me a near normal sex drive. My issue is I am fairly impotent and sterile too. Amaizingly with Horny Goat Weed my ejaculate has been greater than normal now even with zero sperm.

Thank you.

Its going great, I'm not surprised about fast healing because that's a trait I've had all my life. I think having naturally thick blood has to do with it. Oh and fat grafts are so amazing for shaping! Its great for enchancing existing shape, adding fullness to where its missing and so on, but one thing it cannot do it projection, that's a thing for more natural growth or implants to get more projection going.

Oh you're talking about the 0.7 golden WtH ratio? And same waist to bust... I might end up having a lower ratio than that, meaning very accentuated. Not cartoonish silly kind, but obviously curvy. That's what I asked for and my surgeon agreed and added that accentuated curves like that are especially beautiful on a tall woman. I agree as it doesn't look as extreme and takes advantage of my height. I'm still 5'11" from previous measuring if it was correct. Definitely tall for a woman. I so much love the way its progressing and that hourglass ratio is what I'm going for. I keep hoping to get it into six point something to make it really stand out.

Yea, HRT completely netutered me. Only thing that I've found to somewhat counter it is progesterone, but only to an extent and it mellowed out once I was on it for long enough. I'm ok with not having the uncontrollable hormonal sex drive, that was such a pain to deal with. I'm much more in control now but getting on the mood for anything intimate or even masturbation is very difficult and rare. Also the visual side is gone, I'm not getting aroused from seeing stuff any more, I need it to be mental too. Funny, my sexuality turned from T driven fem to E driven fem and I went from sex/porn addict to nearly ace.

[Mashtenn]

I want to say that you look great in the dress.  I can see the results.  Your breasts have a nice shape and projection.  Everything about your surgery has given you good results.  Sorry about you falling and bruising your hip.