This post will have not much about boobs but a whole lot about my transition and just life I guess.
Yesterday I left Alastonsuomi.com, that's the nude picture gallery site I had been on for last five years. I had enough. The place has lost its meaning to me as the demographic over there has had a massive shift over the last several years. What started as a grass roots DIY place for average Joes and Janes to show off their bodies, chat and find friends has turned into another place for professional OF models and hookers to promote and sell their wares.
That has created a huge problem, a flight of those kinky average Joes and Janes, almost all regulars from years ago are all gone. They're been replaced by hookers and their disgusting customers. They have tried to buy me too even though I'm obviously not for sale. They think the entire site is all about that. The whole thing is that the admin of the site wants to make more money and getting a huge demographic shift a lot of new users is of course in their best interest.
What this has done is that the entire sire is now a gargantuan dysphoria hell for me, every time I borwse even a bit, do anything more than upload a picture or read comments I get triggered massively because compared to almost every woman out there, I am nothing. I'm shapeless, ugly, old unwanted worthless waste of breath when 90% of others are prefect super curvy dolled up OF models. There's no way I can stay and keep my sanity in one piece somehow. Also the amount and quality of the attention I got was very telling. I got a tiny fraction of what most women out there were getting, a lot of it was positive though, much better since I changed my profile to be like a cis woman would have it. I stopped telling I'm trans and passed with near perfection which is an achievement for sure. But suddenly I wasn't the fetish toy, but at the bottom of the barrel because almost all other women out there are just worlds better and more than I am. I had to leave, I had no choice.
Being triggered like that, feeling so inferior and not being able to function like that never happens in real life like that. Its very rare that any woman in real life triggers me so badly. It does happen but its rare. Online however it happens every day if I expose myself to wrong places. I have left all facebook groups, all Reddit subs, now even Alastonsuomi, all that had to do with women and being out there somehow. Even BN has triggered me several times but its the least of them all and most fun and most accepting so I have stayed.
I feel that I'm entering a very delicate time in my transition. I'm getting to the point where my body has changed so much that my perception is some times able to push through the veil of dysphoria and I can see myself for how I'm actually like, I see it more often what others see and that makes me nearly euphoric with happiness. My dysphoria about my boobs and body shape is starting to become more quiet and less of a problem. I'm still not happy, but I'm getting closer. The worst problem I have about this right now is my waist being hidden under fat layer, its tiny and its beautiful, I just need to somehow dig it up from below there. Its one of the things that WILL make me extremely happy once I get it the way it is under there. I can some time post some old pictures to show how ridiculously tiny waist I have. I love it, but its partially hidden. What has been happening to my lower body is amazing and unexpected, I didn't think I would get my hips fill in like that, my thighs grow absolutely massive, my butt to jut out like that.... That's all been a crazy lucky extra I never thought I would have like this.
The thing is that I'm slowly starting to be able to build a confidence, IF, if I don't expose myself and get it all crushed the moment I feel achievement and happiness. That has been my problem for a long time. I feel confident, I think I can handle things and then get totally smashed and I have to build it ground up again and again. Its exhausting, its like getting my hopes ground to million pieces time and again. Imagine this, but for a lifetime and you know how I'm feeling. This is the vicious circle I want to exit. I want to isolate from online stuff, life in real world instead and keep building that confidence and diminishing dysphoria. It is working, slowly but getting there, I just need to be very careful now. Any time I feel achieved and happy, I have to NOT see anything or anyone who could pull the dysphoria strings. It might mean even time off of BN at some point again. At least, time off of all social media and no trans scene stuff at all. None of it.
What makes my situation better right now is my new girlfriend, she's amazing, and she absolutely worships me. I've never had anyone say so many lovely things about me and my body and my personality and she adores my voice which is super nice because its one of my main dysphoria issues. I voice pass yea but its not perfect nor pretty enough. Anyway, I feel that I'm likely benefitting much more of her adoration than random compliments on AS.com which have come with the price of crushing my confidence and making me cry few times too many.
So yea, what do I have left then? My partners, BN and my tiny Discord server... That's all I have for being out there somehow. I can't stand anything else. Btw, I absolutely love the comments you lovelies have given here, its making me feel so much better, I'm glad to be liked and I love to hear it. So if you have something to say, don't be shy about it.
I have huge internal issues with a lot of things, my dysphoria is from the most extreme end and I have badly messed up image of myself. All outside input is helping me because I can't have that perspective otherwise.
Here's a new pic from yesterday, I haven't posted one lying down like this for a while.
Still not gone from droplets to streams like some time ago but then again I have been on higher dose of prolactin booster stuff for a short while now. It appears to be slowly getting easier again. 
