18-02-2023, 06:06 AM
So for those of you that have been following me I know this is going to sound insane due to my last few posts but I started BO again tonight. I know I just posted a 14 day update of being off of BO just yesterday, but I can’t help it. Yes initially I felt regret when the changes started coming on so strong, but honestly after 2 or 3 days off of BO I wanted to get back on it and that want has grow stronger and stronger. I had a longing to feel my breast actively growing. I had a longing to feel the soreness in my hips, pelvis, and muscles all over my body because I know I’m feminizing. Heck I’ve even been missing the smaller penis and testicles. I’ve gone off BO before and every time I come back I stay on it longer and longer. I think the changes coming on so quickly overwhelmed me and I’m not ready to come out to anyone personally yet and I started getting bombarded with anxiety thoughts of having to come out to my family, friends, and work and that just all got to me and made my gender dysphoria vanish for a few days. That being said the days leading up to me quitting I was experiencing extreme euphoria from all the changes.
I believe at this point I can admit at least to some degree I am without a doubt trans. As I stated in one of my last posts way before I was exposed to porn or anything sexual at the age of 5 I was sneaking into my mom’s closet and cross dressing in her dresses and heels and thinking I want to be a pretty girl until she caught me. I stopped for years until I was 13 or 14 and my parents started leaving me home alone and I picked it back up. For years I tried to act like I didn’t remember doing that. Just like recently I’ve been lying to myself that my porn use has been making me feel this way even though when I first started using porn I immediately went to feminization porn because I always had that predisposition for feminization. Now I can admit that the use of porn is probably making my gender dysphoria worse and maybe it would be more manageable if I quit, but even before porn I’ve always thought I’d be happier as a girl from a very young age. Now I realized I’ve been lying to myself again. I’ve been trying to convince myself the last 2 weeks that I didn’t like what BO was doing to me even though while on it I had euphoria for the most part, and I’ve had a longing to feel those changes happening to my body again.
So I’m going back on it, who knows how long I’ll be on it until I have another meltdown again. But I stay on it longer and longer every time I think because I know more what to expect each time. I’m also telling myself for those days that my gender dysphoria disappears it’s okay to stop taking BO and get back on it if I feel I need to again. I can take things slow and it’s okay. I did recently find out I’m going to have to move in with my dad again for a few months and I remember thinking I cannot be doing this while living with him because the change’s started coming on so quick. I think that anxiety added to my freak out too. But whatever I’m going to continue to take BO while living with him but stay in full boy mode even let my facial hair grow out and everything and hopefully he won’t notice any of the changes coming on and if he does and asks maybe that talk needs to happen even if I feel like I’m not ready for it. Anyways it’s always good to talk with all of you and as always I’ll be posting any updates as I go.
I believe at this point I can admit at least to some degree I am without a doubt trans. As I stated in one of my last posts way before I was exposed to porn or anything sexual at the age of 5 I was sneaking into my mom’s closet and cross dressing in her dresses and heels and thinking I want to be a pretty girl until she caught me. I stopped for years until I was 13 or 14 and my parents started leaving me home alone and I picked it back up. For years I tried to act like I didn’t remember doing that. Just like recently I’ve been lying to myself that my porn use has been making me feel this way even though when I first started using porn I immediately went to feminization porn because I always had that predisposition for feminization. Now I can admit that the use of porn is probably making my gender dysphoria worse and maybe it would be more manageable if I quit, but even before porn I’ve always thought I’d be happier as a girl from a very young age. Now I realized I’ve been lying to myself again. I’ve been trying to convince myself the last 2 weeks that I didn’t like what BO was doing to me even though while on it I had euphoria for the most part, and I’ve had a longing to feel those changes happening to my body again.
So I’m going back on it, who knows how long I’ll be on it until I have another meltdown again. But I stay on it longer and longer every time I think because I know more what to expect each time. I’m also telling myself for those days that my gender dysphoria disappears it’s okay to stop taking BO and get back on it if I feel I need to again. I can take things slow and it’s okay. I did recently find out I’m going to have to move in with my dad again for a few months and I remember thinking I cannot be doing this while living with him because the change’s started coming on so quick. I think that anxiety added to my freak out too. But whatever I’m going to continue to take BO while living with him but stay in full boy mode even let my facial hair grow out and everything and hopefully he won’t notice any of the changes coming on and if he does and asks maybe that talk needs to happen even if I feel like I’m not ready for it. Anyways it’s always good to talk with all of you and as always I’ll be posting any updates as I go.