Hi all,
A few days ago, while in bed, right after I had rejected my so's advances for sex for the Nth time , I had a sort of epiphany "I am a woman". The words came into my head like they did so many times before, except now it didn't sound like a question, it was an affirmation, I am a woman!. And a wave of relieve and excitement swept through me; and It felt like the time - after 4 years of intense therapy to sort out tons of unresolved issues with my mother - I realised "I can be loved, I am loved". The realization came not in a superficial way, but in a sort of deep "store this in your heart and never let it go" way.
In the days that have passed since that moment, I have been mentally exploring if being a woman in all situations - other than sex - would feel right, and I must say so far it's looking good.
But with this realization, another ugly monster has showed it's head. I cannot begin to understand what I'd be putting my partner and daughter through if I came out. I think I would like to transition, but the thought of causing them that much pain is unbearable. Our daughter (I'm not her bio "dad"), after moving city and various other family issues, along with mom needing to work 2 jobs to keep a roof over their heads, is finally in a stable environment, and I simply can't bear the thought of ruining that.
My partner, I know she is hetero thru and thru, and likes her man manly (bearded, hairy...) so I'm almost 100% certain coming out would kill her and the relationship. I try to put myself in her position, and I would feel betrayed, cheated and desolated, like if someone had killed my husband. How could I put her through that?
On the other hand, I still need to talk to a therapist about all this, but it doesn't look good. I think that "epiphany" has awakened something, and it can't be put to sleep again.
Any advice?.
Thanks,
Sonya
I have had similar thoughts, it can be a real struggle for us. I read a lot on the internet. There are some families that make it thru a transition and are happy and thriving, many others don't make it. I am able to feminize my body, grow my hair long, pierce my ears and polish my toe nails without having to come out to all the family. My wife knows and is semi-accepting. I think my kids would revolt and my work would be a real problem if I transitioned. No one outside of my wife sees my body. I only wear earrings at home and sometimes on the weekends. Other men in my office at work have let their hair grow longer. That is how I am getting away with it, and for me, it's enough to satisfy my needs to be a woman. I have some clothes and makeup that I wear occasionally at home. I guess that I am lucky that my wife is semi-accepting. But she needs a man in life too. I don't feel like a man inside, I feel 100% female since I can remember as a small child.
I am not sure if you could find a balance like me. I have struggled my whole life as a pleaser and doing things for others at the expense of my own needs. I feel like I am doing this for myself finally. I often ask myself, why would I have to live my life a certain way just to make others happy?
It's a tough place to be in. Transgender people are still not accepted in the world. It's a little better than years ago, but some people still think of us in a bad way. I feel like some time in the future, transitioning will be common and accepted.
I also have seen conversations on the web that talk about, what if you wife wanted to become a man. This has happened BTW. Would you still accept them, stay with them and love them? For me, I am not attracted to men, but I would stay with them if this happened in my situation. There would be a lot of adjustment, but I love them as a person and would do my best to continue. But that is just me.
Talking with your therapist is probably best. I hope I at least shed some light on this topic.
Good luck with your journey,
Kay
Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful responses. I think you are right that some loss will be inevitable, but I cannot do a clean break, there's too much at stake, and I'm at a point in life where starting from scratch would be extremely difficult if not impossible.
Work wise I've built a successful career over the last 15+ years which I can't throw away, however, my field - at least I'd like to think - is more open/accomodating of LGBTQ+ people, so I don't anticipate huge issues there, maybe a salary drop due to ingrained missoginy, but not much more.
Direct family is also not terrible; the only person left I truly care about is my father, and I think he'd struggle, but ultimately understand that I need to transition to be happy.
Friends is another kettle of fish entirely, I think I might lose close to 50%, and no less than 25-30% of them.
My SO and stepdaugther..... that's where it'd hurt most.
So far I intend to start therapy in January, and continue with my NBE program. Hopefully I can delay comming out until my stepdaughter starts college (3.5 yrs), but I'm afraid this ship has left the dock, and however long it takes to complete the journey, it's not coming back.
Happy holidays everyone!
(24-12-2021, 05:46 PM)Sonya Wrote:Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful responses. I think you are right that some loss will be inevitable, but I cannot do a clean break, there's too much at stake, and I'm at a point in life where starting from scratch would be extremely difficult if not impossible.
Work wise I've built a successful career over the last 15+ years which I can't throw away, however, my field - at least I'd like to think - is more open/accomodating of LGBTQ+ people, so I don't anticipate huge issues there, maybe a salary drop due to ingrained missoginy, but not much more.
Direct family is also not terrible; the only person left I truly care about is my father, and I think he'd struggle, but ultimately understand that I need to transition to be happy.
Friends is another kettle of fish entirely, I think I might lose close to 50%, and no less than 25-30% of them.
My SO and stepdaugther..... that's where it'd hurt most.
So far I intend to start therapy in January, and continue with my NBE program. Hopefully I can delay comming out until my stepdaughter starts college (3.5 yrs), but I'm afraid this ship has left the dock, and however long it takes to complete the journey, it's not coming back.
Happy holidays everyone!
Hi Sonya,
Happy holidays to you too!
I sent you a private message.
-Kay
(24-12-2021, 10:35 PM)Kay Wrote:(24-12-2021, 05:46 PM)Sonya Wrote:Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful responses. I think you are right that some loss will be inevitable, but I cannot do a clean break, there's too much at stake, and I'm at a point in life where starting from scratch would be extremely difficult if not impossible.
Work wise I've built a successful career over the last 15+ years which I can't throw away, however, my field - at least I'd like to think - is more open/accomodating of LGBTQ+ people, so I don't anticipate huge issues there, maybe a salary drop due to ingrained missoginy, but not much more.
Direct family is also not terrible; the only person left I truly care about is my father, and I think he'd struggle, but ultimately understand that I need to transition to be happy.
Friends is another kettle of fish entirely, I think I might lose close to 50%, and no less than 25-30% of them.
My SO and stepdaugther..... that's where it'd hurt most.
So far I intend to start therapy in January, and continue with my NBE program. Hopefully I can delay comming out until my stepdaughter starts college (3.5 yrs), but I'm afraid this ship has left the dock, and however long it takes to complete the journey, it's not coming back.
Happy holidays everyone!
Hi Sonya,
Happy holidays to you too!
I sent you a private message.
-Kay
Got nothing in my inbox ?
Got nothing in my inbox ?
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Hi again,
I was going to suggest reading this article. Not sure what went wrong. Sorry " alt="" title="">
-Kay
https://medium.com/prismnpen/a-puff-sleeved-saffron-dress-the-stuckness-d0c6abca3cc0
Thank you Kay, that was a very informative post. I do believe I deserve to be happy, which is why I'm doing this. But I guess the question is, am I willing to sacrifice the relationship for my happiness sake?. I really don't want to get to that point, and it scares me to death to think that's what's going to happen. Honestly, I had 4 years of therapy to deal with depression, and it's a place I don't want to get back to, and something in the back of my mind tells me that that's exactly where I'm headed if I don't do anything and just let things be as they are today.
It's a matter of choosing the lesser evil I think, if I do nothing it will be bad for both of us; if I do something, we both get a chance to be happy, even if it's not guaranteed.
By the way, this is where I don't want to end.