Progress, plans and other ramblings - Printable Version

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RE: Progress, plans and other ramblings - HelloDiDi - 03-01-2021

(Quoted my post from another forum just to save it here and I think some of you might be interested in reading this.)

Who's Larissa?

I said on my intro to write a bit about me, so here we go. Perhaps it'll be more than just a bit, I tend to be quite open about things, some times even too much. As I mentioned being on a DIY hrt program and having people come ask about it in private, I thought perhaps this thread will shed some light on my reasoning and why am I here speaking about bras and stuff. ? Don't worry, I wont go into details about the stuff I'm on, anyone who's curious can private message me and ask about it, I'll gladly talk about it.

I don't like to label people, myself included, but as it clears up things a bit, I'll repeat it here that I consider myself a gender fluid MtF person being more of a woman than a man in the way my mind works and how my personality is like. So there you have it, the rest you can find out by getting to know me better. ?

I noticed in an early age that I'm not quite like other boys are. Back in late 80's when I was four to five years old I remember having a lot of thoughts of feeling kind of alien in my body, often stopping what I was doing to ask myself, who am I? What am I? What the heck I'm doing in a body of a young boy? Those questions came out of nowhere and they kind of scared me to bits as I had difficulty understanding why am I suddenly living as a young kid and that in boys body. I do not have any explanation for this, nothing that could make sense more than perhaps I was supposed to be a girl and somehow I ended up in this life being a boy. You read me right, I may have such beliefs many others don't and I base it all on my personal experience on things I can't explain. But that's enough about this.

I had never difficulty playing with girls and boys alike, the name of the game just changing depending on with whom I was. My mother allowed me to play what ever I wished so when I was kid I got to be the girl inside as much as I wished to. Interest in women's clothes also sparked about that time quite naturally, I did that in secret for the longest time, never getting caught and feeling a bit guilty about it.

Later on I started to little bit get used to being a boy, but got into tons of trouble when school started. I was very girly, gentle and super nice, quite emotional and easily offended. I didn't know how to defend myself as nobody had taught me that. I instead took a beating rather than stand up for myself and this lead to more bullying. At fourth grade I picked up playing drums as I fell in love with heavy metal, of course I wanted to grow my hair long. I wanted to be just like my 80's thrash metal idols were and secretly that long girly hair felt so awesome. I got bullied for that badly, for being over all very feminine, looking back I was totally one of the girls, no doubt about it. That's how my female name came to be, Larissa... They just added few letters to my name to make it into a girls name to bully me with. I hated it back then. If they would only know how much I love the name and the irony of it now.

Time goes by and I get even more used to being a guy, albeit slowly and painfully... Bullying finally ends when I got fed up and started to beat them up, who ever dared to touch me got to taste their own medicine. Girly stuff stayed in the back burner until my twenties when I picked up goth style clothing as a thing for myself. Goth's can be very androgynous and that gave me perfect reason to wear a skirt. Nobody batted an eye about it. (I still love skirts and should buy some new ones!)

Fast forward into my thirties, The girl inside was there all the way, some times I even looked at me in the mirror and though, oh boy would I look great if I had female breasts, soon to shrug it off as a fantasy and just laugh about it. Until life took me in such situation that my weight lifting hobby and hard job at construction finally snapped my wrists, my carpal tunnel syndrome went horrible. Luckily my job ended and I got the time to reflect and recover. It was a huge hit on my manhood, to find out that I have a health issue which kills my strength, doesn't allow me to lift weights for a while or never again. Having always had issues fitting into the male role this made me thinks. I guess its a timely thing to reflect on ones life and look back, +30 years give some perspective and bit of experience so I took my time staying out of jobs other than doing music, I spent a lot of time hiking, fishing, meditating, thinking...

And then it just hit me like a sledgehammer, the root cause of many problems and weirdness in my life. And that is that my mind is that of a woman, or actually something in between, I'm bit of both, but definitely not an ordinary man. On the mental side that is. It was crazy, pieces of the puzzle that is my odd as heck life just snapped in place. I knew right away that this is something I must act upon if I wish to live a happy life. Not that I would have much to complain about, I had a safe mostly nice childhood, very troubled youth, tons of cool experience in the music scene, with girls, seeing bit of the world, I wasn't in dept, not rich, but not poor either and I am quite free to do as I please. I have no children yet. Not by choice, but by the weird way life goes. But I knew that there's more to this and I can sure be happier. So I started to look into how express my female side in a meaningful way and decided that right now I will become the high priest and the grand architect of my body and mind and change my life into what I am really about. Screw what others think, I want to express myself and be myself without asking for acceptance of others or living by the expectations.

I've always been a black sheep, a rebel and anarchist, the one who sticks out from the crowd and gets punched first and that's me, I ain't gonna back down and kiss asses, I'm gonna live out the rest of my days here the way I please. And this decision has took me far and I got to admit, the last two years have been such turbulent but generally happy time for me, I do not regret a second.

Where does the road take me, that I do not know, but where ever that is, I'll be wearing a bra when I hit that road and do so with a smile, come hell or high water.

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RE: Progress, plans and other ramblings - JustAbbey - 03-01-2021

(03-01-2021, 06:59 PM)HelloDiDi Wrote:  Where does the road take me, that I do not know, but where ever that is, I'll be wearing a bra when I hit that road and do so with a smile, come hell or high water.

@HelloDiDi - thanks so much for sharing this. I really enjoyed reading it and learning more about your story. Parts of this really resonated with me, especially your experiences about bullying and finding your own strength in the face of it.  I also like how you describe that evolution of gender identify into something with attributes of both genders. I’ve been thinking a lot about that recently too, and am also becoming more attracted with the ‘non-binary’ path - not shooting for a particular gender ideal, but rather finding that balance of what I’m most comfortable with. Some parts of my ‘guy’ side I love and want to keep, too.

I hope all the best for you in 2021

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RE: Progress, plans and other ramblings - HelloDiDi - 03-01-2021

(03-01-2021, 07:33 PM)diometres22 Wrote:  

(03-01-2021, 06:59 PM)HelloDiDi Wrote:  Where does the road take me, that I do not know, but where ever that is, I'll be wearing a bra when I hit that road and do so with a smile, come hell or high water.

@HelloDiDi - thanks so much for sharing this. I really enjoyed reading it and learning more about your story. Parts of this really resonated with me, especially your experiences about bullying and finding your own strength in the face of it.  I also like how you describe that evolution of gender identify into something with attributes of both genders. I’ve been thinking a lot about that recently too, and am also becoming more attracted with the ‘non-binary’ path - not shooting for a particular gender ideal, but rather finding that balance of what I’m most comfortable with. Some parts of my ‘guy’ side I love and want to keep, too.

I hope all the best for you in 2021

You welcome. <3 I thought this would be of interest here too. I've always been a dudette, somewhere in between. But I haven't ruled out a complete transition either, been thinking of it lately more than ever. But for now I'm quite happy about life and where things are heading.

Funny that you mention balance... That's been my motto for years, "balance in all things." Ties up with playing drums even.

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RE: Progress, plans and other ramblings - wee2er - 03-01-2021

(01-01-2021, 01:36 PM)or1onz Wrote:  

(01-01-2021, 10:55 AM)wee2er Wrote:  

(31-12-2020, 05:06 PM)HelloDiDi Wrote:  I think its the result of overall higher sensitivity, orgasms get specially good if I stimulate my nipps at the same time. " alt="" title="">

Interesting, I'm finding a similar effect on me, I'm just on PM cream and massage but have found that my 'pleasure time' has changed quite a lot. They seem to be far more intense and instead of being centred on the one area I now feel them across my body specifically my nips and my bum.
All good as far as I'm concerned  " alt="" title="">
Happy New Year to you and all, lets all look forward to a better 2021  " alt="" title="">

Sorry but can I ask what brand of PM cream do you use? Just apply them on the breast?

Of course you can ask, its a Breast enhancing gel, main ingredients being Extract of Kigeline, Extract of green papaya and Pueraria Mirifica 
It is sold as Breast firming/enhancing gel for women, the one use is off Ebay

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RE: Progress, plans and other ramblings - wee2er - 03-01-2021

(03-01-2021, 06:03 PM)HelloDiDi Wrote:  I said I wouldn't be updating pictures for a while, but I just have to post this one... Took my usual front low angle as I felt that there might be something visible compared to older pics. I'm clearly in a growth spurt, there's no doubt about it. My boobs have been swollen and pointy, sore and itchy for over a week now, this is the first day without much soreness unless I massage.

What do you think? Am I growing? They feel heavier than before... I have noted the much wanted frontal projection showing up lately, breast buds have got much bigger and outer sideboob is rubbing my arms all the time. They feel like they're on the way and I love it.

Didi, they are brill, lovely shape lovely nipples, absolutely gorgeous x

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RE: Progress, plans and other ramblings - wee2er - 03-01-2021

(03-01-2021, 06:59 PM)HelloDiDi Wrote:  (Quoted my post from another forum just to save it here and I think some of you might be interested in reading this.)

Who's Larissa?

I said on my intro to write a bit about me, so here we go. Perhaps it'll be more than just a bit, I tend to be quite open about things, some times even too much. As I mentioned being on a DIY hrt program and having people come ask about it in private, I thought perhaps this thread will shed some light on my reasoning and why am I here speaking about bras and stuff. ? Don't worry, I wont go into details about the stuff I'm on, anyone who's curious can private message me and ask about it, I'll gladly talk about it.

I don't like to label people, myself included, but as it clears up things a bit, I'll repeat it here that I consider myself a gender fluid MtF person being more of a woman than a man in the way my mind works and how my personality is like. So there you have it, the rest you can find out by getting to know me better. ?

I noticed in an early age that I'm not quite like other boys are. Back in late 80's when I was four to five years old I remember having a lot of thoughts of feeling kind of alien in my body, often stopping what I was doing to ask myself, who am I? What am I? What the heck I'm doing in a body of a young boy? Those questions came out of nowhere and they kind of scared me to bits as I had difficulty understanding why am I suddenly living as a young kid and that in boys body. I do not have any explanation for this, nothing that could make sense more than perhaps I was supposed to be a girl and somehow I ended up in this life being a boy. You read me right, I may have such beliefs many others don't and I base it all on my personal experience on things I can't explain. But that's enough about this.

I had never difficulty playing with girls and boys alike, the name of the game just changing depending on with whom I was. My mother allowed me to play what ever I wished so when I was kid I got to be the girl inside as much as I wished to. Interest in women's clothes also sparked about that time quite naturally, I did that in secret for the longest time, never getting caught and feeling a bit guilty about it.

Later on I started to little bit get used to being a boy, but got into tons of trouble when school started. I was very girly, gentle and super nice, quite emotional and easily offended. I didn't know how to defend myself as nobody had taught me that. I instead took a beating rather than stand up for myself and this lead to more bullying. At fourth grade I picked up playing drums as I fell in love with heavy metal, of course I wanted to grow my hair long. I wanted to be just like my 80's thrash metal idols were and secretly that long girly hair felt so awesome. I got bullied for that badly, for being over all very feminine, looking back I was totally one of the girls, no doubt about it. That's how my female name came to be, Larissa... They just added few letters to my name to make it into a girls name to bully me with. I hated it back then. If they would only know how much I love the name and the irony of it now.

Time goes by and I get even more used to being a guy, albeit slowly and painfully... Bullying finally ends when I got fed up and started to beat them up, who ever dared to touch me got to taste their own medicine. Girly stuff stayed in the back burner until my twenties when I picked up goth style clothing as a thing for myself. Goth's can be very androgynous and that gave me perfect reason to wear a skirt. Nobody batted an eye about it. (I still love skirts and should buy some new ones!)

Fast forward into my thirties, The girl inside was there all the way, some times I even looked at me in the mirror and though, oh boy would I look great if I had female breasts, soon to shrug it off as a fantasy and just laugh about it. Until life took me in such situation that my weight lifting hobby and hard job at construction finally snapped my wrists, my carpal tunnel syndrome went horrible. Luckily my job ended and I got the time to reflect and recover. It was a huge hit on my manhood, to find out that I have a health issue which kills my strength, doesn't allow me to lift weights for a while or never again. Having always had issues fitting into the male role this made me thinks. I guess its a timely thing to reflect on ones life and look back, +30 years give some perspective and bit of experience so I took my time staying out of jobs other than doing music, I spent a lot of time hiking, fishing, meditating, thinking...

And then it just hit me like a sledgehammer, the root cause of many problems and weirdness in my life. And that is that my mind is that of a woman, or actually something in between, I'm bit of both, but definitely not an ordinary man. On the mental side that is. It was crazy, pieces of the puzzle that is my odd as heck life just snapped in place. I knew right away that this is something I must act upon if I wish to live a happy life. Not that I would have much to complain about, I had a safe mostly nice childhood, very troubled youth, tons of cool experience in the music scene, with girls, seeing bit of the world, I wasn't in dept, not rich, but not poor either and I am quite free to do as I please. I have no children yet. Not by choice, but by the weird way life goes. But I knew that there's more to this and I can sure be happier. So I started to look into how express my female side in a meaningful way and decided that right now I will become the high priest and the grand architect of my body and mind and change my life into what I am really about. Screw what others think, I want to express myself and be myself without asking for acceptance of others or living by the expectations.

I've always been a black sheep, a rebel and anarchist, the one who sticks out from the crowd and gets punched first and that's me, I ain't gonna back down and kiss asses, I'm gonna live out the rest of my days here the way I please. And this decision has took me far and I got to admit, the last two years have been such turbulent but generally happy time for me, I do not regret a second.

Where does the road take me, that I do not know, but where ever that is, I'll be wearing a bra when I hit that road and do so with a smile, come hell or high water.

What a great post, it's very brave of you to say so much in detail and it's fantastic that you have / kniw where you are heading with it all x

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RE: Progress, plans and other ramblings - Stevenator. - 04-01-2021

I’ve spent a lot of time hiking & fishing, too. 

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RE: Progress, plans and other ramblings - HelloDiDi - 04-01-2021

Wee2er, some times I think if I'm very smart with my openness... I have gotten in trouble with it many times, being too kind and too open and talking too much. I mean if someone wants to pour crap on me, its fairly easy. Makes me think back to the time when I was bullied, if I hadn't been so honest, there wouldn't have been so much stuff to use as ammunition against  me.

But then again, why not? Who ever doesn't like it may steer clear of me. At least being open and talkative soon tells me who my real friends are.

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RE: Progress, plans and other ramblings - Alexis P - 04-01-2021

(03-01-2021, 06:03 PM)HelloDiDi Wrote:  I said I wouldn't be updating pictures for a while, but I just have to post this one... Took my usual front low angle as I felt that there might be something visible compared to older pics. I'm clearly in a growth spurt, there's no doubt about it. My boobs have been swollen and pointy, sore and itchy for over a week now, this is the first day without much soreness unless I massage.

What do you think? Am I growing? They feel heavier than before... " alt="" title=""> I have noted the much wanted frontal projection showing up lately, breast buds have got much bigger and outer sideboob is rubbing my arms all the time. They feel like they're on the way and I love it.

They look cuuute! Congratulations DiDi, you are clearly growing some beautiful boobs  " alt="" title="">

I wish you to keep like this because it's going great!

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RE: Progress, plans and other ramblings - Alexis P - 04-01-2021

Thank you for sharing part of your story with us DiDi! I personally  appreciated it a lot, because for some things i can relate with your story. Of course i don't have the same experience you had in your life, quite the contrary, i haven't had any moment to understand what i am until these last months when i'm having long periods of thought which leads to some doubts and crisis. Luckily i have never been bullied at school but also i have to admit that i never felt femenine the same amount as you did.

Anyways, this last period i have wondered a lot about who am i and who i could have been if i was born girl instead of boy: it could have been the same, but i think sometimes it could have been.. not easier.. but more appropriate in a certain sense, like a lot of memories i had during my childhood could have been less weird if i was a girl. That said i don't feel like a woman inside a man body, and saying i feel like a woman wouldn't be correct.

 [...] or actually something in between, I'm bit of both, but definitely not an ordinary man.  

But.. i never felt too much of a male either, like i'm not sure if that's what i want. This phrase has sounded several times in my head and i'm not sure how should i consider this, not sure what's the meaning of all the doubts and such.

I liked a lot how you put immediately the phrase "i don't like to label people" , it's like we all have those labels printed inside our heads and can't get rid of them. But labels exists to make things easier to express, i guess? Idk

Hearing about your bullying and hard times made me a little sad, but slightly better when you started to stand up for yourself (although violence isn't good, remember kids!  " alt="" title="">  , and hearing you slowly understood what (or who) there is inside of you was very good. I'm proud of you DiDi, for opening to us and for finding your path.

Big huggs

- Alexis

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