So here is something I finished writing today. As always I appreciate any and all comments, perspectives, and in this case interpretations.
Alone in Darkness
Alone in darkness there I stood,
I had done the best I could,
But the end is always the same,
For my life is but a game.
For no matter what path I choose,
The end’s the same and I lose,
For all that I touch I ruin,
It is my burden, my curse, my sin.
I scream, and I shout no more,
It reverberates to my very core,
But it is of little use,
I know I’ll never be cut loose.
While whole I may not have been
At least the turmoil was calm within
I partially regret what I have shown,
Then perhaps my pain would be unknown.
My true self shall remain a mystery,
A mystery to all, including me,
Who could ever accept a creature such as I,
No one seems to even care to try.
Like a flame in wind I shall extinguish,
Though it is not what I wish,
But what is there left for me to do,
It is something that I wish I knew.
Perhaps my fire could reignite,
Then I could continue to fight,
The ice around my heart could then melt,
And it will then be known how I've felt.
For now the darkness I shall embrace,
The tears I shall wipe from my face,
Perhaps it is best for all that I now run,
Only time can mend what's been done.
F & I,
That's depressing, dark, tortured and yet brilliant. How about writing something uplifting or inspirational?. Motivation is pretty powerful, it changes people's lives.
I'm reading it as a sort of slow thrash metal song. In that case, it just needs a chorus. Even one of the verses here that you feel is the strongest in the piece could serve as one. Something that (in the form of a song) could be repeated a few times, like, after every three verses and a few times at the end. It'd be between 50 and 65 bpm. Minor key, of course.
(08-02-2015, 03:15 AM)Lotus Wrote: [ -> ]F & I,
That's depressing, dark, tortured and yet brilliant. How about writing something uplifting or inspirational?. Motivation is pretty powerful, it changes people's lives.
Thank you for the comment and review.
And I couldn't agree with you more. Unfortunately my writing comes easiest when I am at one extreme emotion or another. Maybe if I can focus hard enough on what I felt prior to... well prior to... lets say recent events, then maybe I can find something more uplifting.
(08-02-2015, 03:40 AM)WantAPair Wrote: [ -> ]I'm reading it as a sort of slow thrash metal song. In that case, it just needs a chorus. Even one of the verses here that you feel is the strongest in the piece could serve as one. Something that (in the form of a song) could be repeated a few times, like, after every three verses and a few times at the end. It'd be between 50 and 65 bpm. Minor key, of course.
Ha ha, that's too funny. I have actually written several songs, can't sing worth a damn , and can't play any instruments, but that is neither here nor there.
Now you have me re-evaluating what I wrote and finding a tune and chorus. So far the very first paragraph is looking good to me for my chorus.
I really had no intention of making this a song, but alas the idea is there. It's not like anyone would ever hear it. :p
I was thinking the first verse would be the chorus, too.
I can sing and play an instrument or three. My guitarist has his own studio and would probably love to tackle the version I'm hearing in my head.
Well, the only way to get people to hear it is to record and release it. Maybe, instead of actually singing it, you could just "recite" it over the music. I can't give you examples, because I can't recall the names/bands of any of the songs it sounds like (to me). The ONLY one I can come up with that's even CLOSE to a recitation I'm thinking of is "Be My Girl" by The Police.
(08-02-2015, 03:01 AM)Fire And Ice Wrote: [ -> ]So here is something I finished writing today. As always I appreciate any and all comments, perspectives, and in this case interpretations.
Alone in Darkness
Alone in darkness there I stood,
I had done the best I could,
But the end is always the same,
For my life is but a game.
For no matter what path I choose,
The end’s the same and I lose,
For all that I touch I ruin,
It is my burden, my curse, my sin.
I scream, and I shout no more,
It reverberates to my very core,
But it is of little use,
I know I’ll never be cut loose.
While whole I may not have been
At least the turmoil was calm within
I partially regret what I have shown,
Then perhaps my pain would be unknown.
My true self shall remain a mystery,
A mystery to all, including me,
Who could ever accept a creature such as I,
No one seems to even care to try.
Like a flame in wind I shall extinguish,
Though it is not what I wish,
But what is there left for me to do,
It is something that I wish I knew.
Perhaps my fire could reignite,
Then I could continue to fight,
The ice around my heart could then melt,
And it will then be known how I've felt.
For now the darkness I shall embrace,
The tears I shall wipe from my face,
Perhaps it is best for all that I now run,
Only time can mend what's been done.
I hate to say it, but is sounds really dark, almost suicidal. As mentioned, it would make a great song. Although, its not something to listen to when we are in one of our dark places.
Beautifully written...yes its dark...but haven't we all been there...this has many of the same emotions that I have been enduring the last several years......Thank you for sharing.....
(08-02-2015, 04:58 AM)WantAPair Wrote: [ -> ]I was thinking the first verse would be the chorus, too.
I can sing and play an instrument or three. My guitarist has his own studio and would probably love to tackle the version I'm hearing in my head.
Well, the only way to get people to hear it is to record and release it. Maybe, instead of actually singing it, you could just "recite" it over the music. I can't give you examples, because I can't recall the names/bands of any of the songs it sounds like (to me). The ONLY one I can come up with that's even CLOSE to a recitation I'm thinking of is "Be My Girl" by The Police.
Hmm, now there's an interesting thought. I suppose reciting it would not be all that bad. Oh who am I kidding, I don't have any time for that. ;-) Between work, work, and more work I barely have enough time to hear myself think.
Though I am now very curious how my rendition of this would sound if I converted it to a song. Ahh the joys of modern technology.
(08-02-2015, 03:25 PM)Jamie_lost Wrote: [ -> ]I hate to say it, but is sounds really dark, almost suicidal. As mentioned, it would make a great song. Although, its not something to listen to when we are in one of our dark places.
Yikes, it was not intended to be that dark. Though I may dabble in the occasional what if scenario of my not being here, it is not something I would follow through on. Life, albeit sometimes a HUGE pain in the rear, is very precious. Everything I have seen and experienced has made me who I am. Maybe it's good, maybe it's not. Anyways as I stated, it was not intended to incite any thoughts of suicide.
As for the song part, I suppose I am now contemplating that part.
(08-02-2015, 07:00 PM)breastman59 Wrote: [ -> ]Beautifully written...yes its dark...but haven't we all been there...this has many of the same emotions that I have been enduring the last several years......Thank you for sharing.....
Thank you breastman59, for the comments. I hope that I can find myself on the extreme side of a more cheerful emotion and maybe write something a bit more positive. I have to catch that roller coaster ride just right.
(09-02-2015, 06:09 AM)Fire And Ice Wrote: [ -> ] (08-02-2015, 04:58 AM)WantAPair Wrote: [ -> ]I was thinking the first verse would be the chorus, too.
I can sing and play an instrument or three. My guitarist has his own studio and would probably love to tackle the version I'm hearing in my head.
Well, the only way to get people to hear it is to record and release it. Maybe, instead of actually singing it, you could just "recite" it over the music. I can't give you examples, because I can't recall the names/bands of any of the songs it sounds like (to me). The ONLY one I can come up with that's even CLOSE to a recitation I'm thinking of is "Be My Girl" by The Police.
Hmm, now there's an interesting thought. I suppose reciting it would not be all that bad. Oh who am I kidding, I don't have any time for that. ;-) Between work, work, and more work I barely have enough time to hear myself think. Though I am now very curious how my rendition of this would sound if I converted it to a song. Ahh the joys of modern technology.
Well, next time you have a few days off, try it! I just wish I could think of good examples. Okay, how about this. Of course it's by NO means the type of music I'm thinking of, but at least the verses are recited.
http://youtu.be/KtLh7VdhKmk I'll keep trying to come up with better examples.