So I haven't been on here in a while. I have been trying to wait for life to calm down before I make anymore pursuits on becoming more feminine, and to begin to push more into transitioning. Partly because my desire to transition has waned over the summer. While I have experienced bits of times where it has returned, for the most part it has not been very prevalent while I have been trying to finish a divorce, begin school, and handle unemployment.
I realized that I don't know where I stand. Some days I want to be a man, and some days I want to be a woman. It's like I have a 50/50 chance that I am going to be able to be exactly what I feel like I am. Tonight I took a plunge when I came across my herbal supplies and creams. I shaved the hair off my chest, and massaged a dose of the PM cream over my breasts. As I rubbed them in a circular motion, I suddenly felt something inside me that I hadn't in a while. It was actual feeling. I felt like I suddenly had woken up, and emotion began to rush in. I couldn't help but double over and cry.
I don't know what to make of it all, and I don't know what step to take next. I've been gaining some confidence in my masculinity over the past months, but I don't know if it's really what I want. I'm so confused. I don't even know where I am going with all of this, so I am going to just stop here, and maybe I will be able to figure it out later.
Hello.
I think when one is preoccupied with a variety of issues, it's not uncommon to compartmentalize other areas such as your desire to transition. Maybe once your life stabilizes more, you may have a more concrete idea of what path you want to take?
Quote:Some days I want to be a man, and some days I want to be a woman.
I understand this sentiment well. it may seem like Sophie's Choice to abandon a gender altogether to persue a favoured one, though not having any particular animosity, and perhaps even a liking, for your anatomically assigned gender.
I was talking to a friend about this the other day. I describe it as if there was an actual gender spectrum, with Barbie on one side and He-Man on the other. Most people fall somewhere on the spectrum, usually in the moderate area of either side. Some are more androgynous and prefer to be slap bang in the middle of it. Though there are also some who choose not to be pigoen holed and will occupy the entire spectrum. ^_^ I'm not quite like that, though I would like to pick and choose as the mood takes me rather than commit to any one portion of the spectrum.
Others have mentioned about how, as you progress on NBE, your opinion may change. A few here who began simply wanting breasts ended up deciding to transition all the way. If that happens then so be it.
Point is, if you don't feel comfortable choosing, just remember at this point you really don't have to. Just do what feels natural to you right now. Let future-you worry about what future-you wants.
Its a choice that only you can make... You are not alone... I have no idea what your physical traits are.... Consider that many who successfully transition usually make AMAZING transformations.... The path forward can and does change as well....
The best advice I can give you is to just truly accept yourself and also forgive yourself and its OK to love yourself as well...
Good Luck....
I've basically decided that gender is overrated. I am who I am, and look how I want on whatever day.
(01-12-2014, 05:18 PM)Demon Lord Etna Wrote: [ -> ]I've basically decided that gender is overrated. I am who I am, and look how I want on whatever day.
Good for you!
(01-12-2014, 05:18 PM)Demon Lord Etna Wrote: [ -> ]I've basically decided that gender is overrated. I am who I am, and look how I want on whatever day.
I like this. I think I will try to adopt this mentality more. I think one of my biggest fears is finding someone who will accept me for who I am. I'm afraid of being alone. :/
Thanks everyone for the helping words. I'm feeling a bit better now, but will see how it goes over the next few weeks. I went and bought a new sports bra to maybe help tame some of the emotions hopefully. Lol
What you've described sounds like something I dealt with a long time ago and I'll tell you how I did so. Most all people carry within them some degree of duality of personality, if not with regard to gender, in some other way. It's not something that can be removed and it's psychologically harmful to try and ignore it. The way to manage it is for both sides of yourself to find a way to accommodate the other. Eventually this actually diminishes the duality and makes you more cohesive. I've done this and it's worked very well for me. I realize that there are times when I feel being more masculine and times when I feel like being more feminine. Mr. masculinity has to put up with certain aspects for Ms. femininity and vise versa.
For instance, I don't always present as feminine, but my feminine self desires long feminine hair, so Mr. Macho finds a way to tolerate it (usually ponytail and and baseball cap). Ms. feminine accepts the intermittent need to be masculine as well as can be done.
Try to establish an internal dialog between your masculine and your feminine sides. Writing things out on paper can help with this. Try a two column list.
(02-12-2014, 06:55 PM)Wannabe Wrote: [ -> ]What you've described sounds like something I dealt with a long time ago and I'll tell you how I did so. Most all people carry within them some degree of duality of personality, if not with regard to gender, in some other way. It's not something that can be removed and it's psychologically harmful to try and ignore it. The way to manage it is for both sides of yourself to find a way to accommodate the other. Eventually this actually diminishes the duality and makes you more cohesive. I've done this and it's worked very well for me. I realize that there are times when I feel being more masculine and times when I feel like being more feminine. Mr. masculinity has to put up with certain aspects for Ms. femininity and vise versa.
For instance, I don't always present as feminine, but my feminine self desires long feminine hair, so Mr. Macho finds a way to tolerate it (usually ponytail and and baseball cap). Ms. feminine accepts the intermittent need to be masculine as well as can be done.
Try to establish an internal dialog between your masculine and your feminine sides. Writing things out on paper can help with this. Try a two column list.
That is really something I will have to try. I am starting to become more comfortable with myself, and the idea that I can try to live with this duality. I don't think I would go so far as to have full SRS like I had intended before, but I do think I would like to be able to find a balance where I can accommodate both sides, and be able to live as one or the other as I please.
Very inspirational for a first post. Welcome to the boards!
I actually went on Amazon and order some BO that arrived today. I'm not 100% sure if I want to jump on that bandwagon yet, but I know when I ordered it that I wanted to have it in case I wanted to.