After about four months of staying disciplined as to dosage of PM, I became quite erratic as to schedule and amount. This is probably not a good idea, and my excuses are unconvincing. They revolve largely around my perception that my breasts are becoming noticeable and the season of hot weather (tee shirts, etc.) is approaching. No more easily hiding the girls with compression tees and sweaters! So I stand on the shore of the Rubicon, wanting to jump in but being timid about it. I wade in a few feet, have second thoughts, and step back toward the shore.
The result has been about 3 months of an erratic non-program, taking PM for a few days or a week, then stopping when some life event, fear or concern “freaks me out.” After a few days without PM, I begin to miss the sensations, the swelling buds, and the general sense of well-being PM seems to be giving me, and almost impulsively I start up again.
Many months ago, Flamesabres counseled that it is best to make up one's mind before even starting PM. I took the advice seriously, stopped, pondered, believed I had decided, and began the process. Nonetheless, here I am, dithering.
Am I just particularly mixed up, or does this happen to others?
I think its a pretty normal response.
I think a lot of us have had those "what the hell did I do moments"
Its kinda your choice how you proceed, but Flame is right, there reaches
a point of no return to the way they were short of surgery.
Good luck with your decision sweety its a hard one to make.
Honey, I don't think anyone can really help you with this. Many of us, I think, go through phases of desire in this, swinging from moments of outright full speed ahead assurance to moments of screaming WTF am I doing panic. Over time, hopefully, a pattern will emerge and you may find it linked to other factors...job, relationship, stress, feelings of self worth etc . People come into this from different places and for different reasons. Rare is the individual who is absolutely certain from the depth of their being that rearranging their physical body to match their gender identity is absolutely and unquestionably the only right course. Your own heart holds the answer for you.
But, yes, feelings of doubt from time to time are, I would say, perfectly normal if there is anything in what we are doing that can be considered normal in any way.
Listen to your heart.
This is not a race or a competition, but rather just one of many ways we work to try to find peace, acceptance and authenticity in who and what we are.
And no one here will judge you for whatever you do.
The one thing we all have in common here is a need to fill a hole of some kind...to find a way to somehow make ourselves right. You will find what works for you, sweetheart.
Hugs
(18-03-2014, 01:01 PM)spanky Wrote: [ -> ]Am I just particularly mixed up, or does this happen to others?
My two cents: no, I don't think you're particularly messed up, because I know this happens to others, including me in a sense just yesterday.
I think there are some folks who have few doubts along the way, but from what I've read here and my own limited experience, I think doubts at times are fairly common. Given what we're talking about (it's not like deciding what to have for dinner
), I don't think that should be a surprise, right?
And, as has been mentioned on other threads, the beautiful part of NBE is that *you* can adjust things whenever and however you like.
Does that help?
Michelle
Really, ALL the responses help. The thoughtful people who come here are so sweet and considerate! I take great comfort in knowing I am not alone and that you sweeties are here. Thank you!
Wow Sammie. Well said! I especially like the, "a pattern will emerge" comment.
Spanky,
I've seen many come and go on this forum as I'm sure you have too. It doesn't take long to see who's really confused and making spontaneous decisions about NBE and those who are doing deep soul searching. I'm NOT saying I prefer one or the other but you strike me as someone in the later camp and therefore, I wouldn't fret about your indecision. Sammie is right, it will sort itself out with time. Follow your heart and do what feels comfortable.
For those in the confused and spontaneous camp, I agree with Flamesabers. Take some time, clear you head and think long and hard about what you are considering.
Spanky my dear,
I believe it's a natural consequence of having a significant male gender identity along with the female. We tend to focus on the female identity here, providing information and advice on how to satisfy the needs of our inner woman.
This inner woman is a new discovery for many of us, and like all things new and exciting, we tend to lavish attention on it. The feelings are intense and the excitement palpable during this awakening. There's a rush to experience the joys of feeling, acting, and looking female. It hits us like a bolt out of the blue.
But like any disruption in the normal steady state function of a system (you) there's typically an overshoot followed by an oscillation which eventually dampens back to a new steady state. Well, that's an engineer's way of thinking about what happens.
The new steady state condition is what we commonly call "the right balance" between our two gender expressions. It's a different point for each of us, but finding it is not easy. The first few months of NBE are dangerous ones. The strong push to grow breasts are often followed by doubts and reassessment, followed by a restarting one's program when the old feelings of dysphoria return. At any point in this on-again-off-again merry-go-round things can go awry.
One thing I love about NBE over synthetic HRT is the extra time it takes to sort out what's really right for a TG. I cringe when I hear how quickly gender therapists are putting guys on HRT after a short time diagnosis of gender dysphoria. I believe that transition needs to be slow and careful with much soul-searching and self-assessment along the way. Irreparable damage can be done by progressing too far, too fast. I'm not just talking about irreversible breast growth, there are lives of people being turned upside down in the process.
Personally, I'm slowing my transition down to allow the time to adjust to a new emerging me. I want to experience the four seasons with the beginnings of breasts. I want to see how I deal with my new gender expression in various situations. I want to make sure my wife and I are on the same page, and that the jolt that I caused her will settle down to the same lasting balance point that I settle to.
So, Spanky, don't fret. What you are experiencing is natural and a blessing. It will insure that you don't drive off the gender cliff under the intoxicating effects of femininity. You will probably over compensate to the male side for awhile before realizing that is not the answer either. You'll come back to herbal HRT with a more realistic and steadfast outlook in the future. If you are patient, you will find your optimal balance point.
Put an egg under the accelerator pedal and drive like your life depended on it.
Clara (feeling very philosophical this morning)
Clara,
What a great post!
Would you consider reposting this over in the FAQ section? I can see this being a worthwhile read for many over time. (On other boards, I've seen an HOF (Hall of Fame) section for notable posts, but I'm not sure we need yet another section here.
)
Michelle
Spanky,
I think I posed this hypothetical question before, but I think it's worth saying it again. Let's say that for whatever reason, your body just started growing breasts without any intervention on your part like NBE or HRT. Would a lack of personal responsibility so to speak change your mind on having breasts? In other words, is it the breasts themselves that bother you or the possibility that someone might put 2 and 2 together and realize your secret?
I wouldn't describe my gender identity or decision to pursue NBE as being comprised of ironclad confidence. Instead I see it as being more fluid and flexible., but still stable and consistent nonetheless. I don't tend to behave impulsively, nor do I spend time second-guessing myself. As I mentioned in the past, I see my gender identity as being self-regulatory and self-nurturing.
Spanky
You've had so much good advice already that there is not much I can add. I for myself have found that a major driver in my life is an intense curiosity in what happens next even when the future is problematic, together with a strong belief that I usually won't know how to cope with a situation until I actually get there. So unless you are convinced that you are going in the wrong direction, you should keep going and see how it works out. You're not going to know how to cope with boob growth until you get there, and to judge by my own and I think most peoples experience here, it should all work out more easily than you ever expected.