Okay, girls, the Sisterhood of the Growing Tatas is now in session...
Sister Lisa makes a motion to nominate our dear, erudite Sister Samantha to send a note of appreciation to Eve for allowing us (BMs
) not only a section on the forum, but also a great deal of latitude to communicate about things not directly related to breast growth, etc., etc.
Can I get an AMEN???
I've never thought of myself as having "suffered" gender dysphoria in my past life. Maybe it was because my defense mechanisms were so ingrained within my subconscious. Maybe it was because my female gender identity is not as strong as those who do experience dysphoria. Maybe I developed behaviors and had safety valves that allowed me live out the male gender roll despite being a MTF crossdreamer.
Sometimes I think I have more signs of gender dysphoria, as of late -- since acknowledging my female identity. Yes, I am happier on a day to day basis, but in the background, I feel a kind of frustration at attempts to bring my female gender identity fantasy world into the real world.
One thing that is very obvious to me and my wife is how much time I devote to my female gender these days. I spend way more time on it than I did on fantasy masturbation in the past. Am I just making up for lost time? Will things settle down to a stable mixed gender routine eventually?
Something is missing, and I don't know what it is. It's not enough to develop breasts. It's not enough to dress as a woman, don a wig, and makeup my face to appear more feminine. It's not enough that my wife is understanding and supportive of my crossgender ways. This situation is beginning to bother me, and so, in that respect, I'm still experiencing mental discomfort, a kind of mild dysphoria or dissonance.
Do any of you guys/girls have similar feelings now or in the past? What have you done to address those feelings? Is this a sign that further transitioning is needed? As we integrate our female genders into our lifestyles, shouldn't there be a sense of relief and empowerment as the process goes forward?
Clara (having one of those questioning days again)
(08-03-2014, 02:20 AM)ClaraKay Wrote: [ -> ]I've never thought of myself as having "suffered" gender dysphoria in my past life. Maybe it was because my defense mechanisms were so ingrained within my subconscious. Maybe it was because my female gender identity is not as strong as those who do experience dysphoria. Maybe I developed behaviors and had safety valves that allowed me live out the male gender roll despite being a MTF crossdreamer.
Sometimes I think I have more signs of gender dysphoria, as of late -- since acknowledging my female identity. Yes, I am happier on a day to day basis, but in the background, I feel a kind of frustration at attempts to bring my female gender identity fantasy world into the real world.
One thing that is very obvious to me and my wife is how much time I devote to my female gender these days. I spend way more time on it than I did on fantasy masturbation in the past. Am I just making up for lost time? Will things settle down to a stable mixed gender routine eventually?
Something is missing, and I don't know what it is. It's not enough to develop breasts. It's not enough to dress as a woman, don a wig, and makeup my face to appear more feminine. It's not enough that my wife is understanding and supportive of my crossgender ways. This situation is beginning to bother me, and so, in that respect, I'm still experiencing mental discomfort, a kind of mild dysphoria or dissonance.
Do any of you guys/girls have similar feelings now or in the past? What have you done to address those feelings? Is this a sign that further transitioning is needed? As we integrate our female genders into our lifestyles, shouldn't there be a sense of relief and empowerment as the process goes forward?
Clara (having one of those questioning days again)
Clara,
I've been wondering along similar lines myself. I few months ago, if you had asked me if I had GD, I would have emphatically said no. Admittedly, I'm probably over near one end of the spectrum, which, in turn, probably made it possible (or at least easier) to be in denial.
And, like you, in general, I'm now less anxious, nicer to be around, etc. (And, again, I didn't have that much anxiety, etc., but it's very nice that it's much less.)
But it has come with that baggage--the baggage of trying to figure out exactly where I fit in, when will I have a handle on this, where is this journey going, etc.
So, yes, I'd also really appreciate to hear from others their thoughts about this.
Thanks!
Michelle
(08-03-2014, 02:20 AM)ClaraKay Wrote: [ -> ]One thing that is very obvious to me and my wife is how much time I devote to my female gender these days. I spend way more time on it than I did on fantasy masturbation in the past. Am I just making up for lost time? Will things settle down to a stable mixed gender routine eventually?
Maybe your increased interest has to do with your pursuit of NBE? In other words, the more you pursue gender-related interests, the more likely it is for you to fulfill your ultimate goal, whatever it may be.
(08-03-2014, 02:20 AM)ClaraKay Wrote: [ -> ]Something is missing, and I don't know what it is. It's not enough to develop breasts. It's not enough to dress as a woman, don a wig, and makeup my face to appear more feminine. It's not enough that my wife is understanding and supportive of my crossgender ways. This situation is beginning to bother me, and so, in that respect, I'm still experiencing mental discomfort, a kind of mild dysphoria or dissonance.
Do any of you guys/girls have similar feelings now or in the past? What have you done to address those feelings? Is this a sign that further transitioning is needed? As we integrate our female genders into our lifestyles, shouldn't there be a sense of relief and empowerment as the process goes forward?
Can you identify the source of your dysphoria? Do you want to live as a female full-time and be recognized and acknowledged as such? Is it also about feeling the urgency to get SRS?
I do agree with you about feeling relief as you get further along the path. This might be a shot totally from left field, but maybe your dysphoria is the result of initial expectations of what would happen once you started on the path of NBE and dressing up? Phrased differently, imagine a generic situation in which a person thinks if he can achieve x,y, and z, his life will be dramatically better. He achieves his goals, but then still feels unhappy, perhaps as a result of putting too much emotional investment into how much better his life should have been after he completed his goals.
Maybe it would help to reassess your goals and reflect on where you would like to be as far as gender identity and expression? Do you think your dysphoria is better or worse when you're in female or male mode? Do you feel your heart sink when someone calls you a man or refer to you as a male? Would you like it if your wife and others call you Clara?
As to whether I've experienced similar feelings, I'm reminded by what you said about me earlier:
(01-03-2014, 08:18 PM)ClaraKay Wrote: [ -> ]Flame, dear, you don't strike me as one who suffers even an ounce of dysphoria concerning your gender identity.
Thanks, Michelle and Flame for responding with two very different perspectives. I would agree, Michelle, that we are similar in that we are both working on a jigsaw puzzle without a picture to guide us. Flame, you raise some interesting and useful points that I've been pondering. I envy your assuredness in your gender identity.
I seem to bounce between euphoria and dysphoria as an MTF transgender. When I immerse myself in the feminine, it lights me up with a joy that's hard to describe. Then, at the end of the day, I return to the world I really live in, the fantasy subsides, and the futility of it all kicks in.
Still, I plug on. I tell myself to be patient; that I'm new to this. I need to explore the depths of my gender identity for awhile yet before an answer emerges.
One thing I'm sure of is that I don't want to go back. That encourages me to keep looking forward, to finding the right balance. Some of you have been dealing with your gender issues for years. Does my condition seem to fit a pattern? Is there eventually a resolution to the conflict? What was the key to your finding that balance?
Clara
(08-03-2014, 02:20 AM)ClaraKay Wrote: [ -> ]***Abridged****
Something is missing, and I don't know what it is. It's not enough to develop breasts. It's not enough to dress as a woman, don a wig, and makeup my face to appear more feminine. It's not enough that my wife is understanding and supportive of my crossgender ways. This situation is beginning to bother me, and so, in that respect, I'm still experiencing mental discomfort, a kind of mild dysphoria or dissonance.
Do any of you guys/girls have similar feelings now or in the past? What have you done to address those feelings? Is this a sign that further transitioning is needed? As we integrate our female genders into our lifestyles, shouldn't there be a sense of relief and empowerment as the process goes forward?
This came to me like a firecracker as soon as I read your post Clara. I don't like to admit it but initially, there was a thrill with all the NBE, cross dressing activities that was similar to the sexual thrill I got from all the "extra curricular" (P&M) activities I used to do. The thrill of deviant activities was replaced (for a while) by the thrill of openly cross dressing in front of my wife, NBE and admitting I am transgender. I forget how long it lasted but it wasn't indefinite. It's like, even though my sex drive was pummeled by NBE, my mental sexual habits still demanded a "fix" of some sort before they too subsided. Then I found myself in a place where cross dressing was a peaceful, relaxing activity that I didn't HAVE to do but rather enjoyed. Eventually that gave way to what it is now, just a basic desire to incorporate more feminine / gender neutral attire into my daily life to satisfy the girl inside. There were times along the way where I remember the "want" for a thrill again and feelings of, "this is no longer enough" but luckily for me, those have all but disappeared and I'm left with just my desire to be a girl. Sadly, that has never gone away as I hoped it would when I started NBE. It's much easier to manage at the moment, mind you, and I wont be giving up HRT anytime soon for that reason. However, due to my life situation, I can't pursue SRS so I am pursuing androgeny with an attitude of, "why should girls get to have all the fun".
Another interesting aspect you may or may not encounter is a time when Breast Nexus "therapy" comes to an end for you - or at least necessary at a much lower frequency. I remember the inner turmoil I had when I started coming here a year ago. I was in a hysterical fight to annihilate SOMETHING within myself at ANY cost! The female psyche, sexual addiction, self loathing... whatever it was, foreign "thing" within me that was driving me crazy needed to be removed and collateral damage was not a concern. I poured my heart out here repeatedly and the combination of putting it in writing, the feedback from beloved friends here and my faith of course, has helped me find self acceptance and balance. Often times now I find I have simply exhausted my supply of "inner turmoil" and have nothing left to say that hasn't already been said for my own benefit or for the benefit of others.
I know we both have similar starting points Clara so maybe... hopefully, something I've said will help you a little today. My guess is that you're going through some smoke and can't see clearly for the moment but eventually, the "desire for more" will wain and you'll find yourself in new territory. This has been an interesting journey of self discovery for me, to say the least as I suspect it is for all who pass this way. Good luck. May peaceful waters and smooth sailing be just ahead for you.
(08-03-2014, 02:20 AM)ClaraKay Wrote: [ -> ]Do any of you guys/girls have similar feelings now or in the past? What have you done to address those feelings? Is this a sign that further transitioning is needed? As we integrate our female genders into our lifestyles, shouldn't there be a sense of relief and empowerment as the process goes forward?
Yes, I have. It is indeed a sign, but not a sign of anything other than human greed. It's in our nature. We get a bit of something, and we want more. We always think having more of something will make us happy.
Right here, flamesabers puts it rather well:
(08-03-2014, 08:56 AM)flamesabers Wrote: [ -> ]Phrased differently, imagine a generic situation in which a person thinks if he can achieve x,y, and z, his life will be dramatically better. He achieves his goals, but then still feels unhappy, perhaps as a result of putting too much emotional investment into how much better his life should have been after he completed his goals.
It's always "if I can do x" or "if I had y" -- "THEN I'll be happy!" It's just not so. Thinking that mere possessions or a little tangible thing here or there will bring happiness is just plain clouded thinking.
Happiness comes from within. If you don't have it, it's because you don't want it. If that sounds simplistic, it is... but it's true. It's a matter of adjusting your attitude. Instead of looking at and dreaming on what you don't have, try instead counting your blessings, so to speak. Focus on why your life is good, and the rest will follow.
In the case of transgenderism, what is the lofty goal? To become woman, of course! But can you? Can you ever become an XX-chromosomed bearer of children? Hah! Might as well that get notion out of your head straight away. So what does that leave you? Somewhere on a spectrum. Can you be happy somewhere on a spectrum, in your own little niche?
If you can't, you've got one hell of a tough row to hoe. But I don't believe that's the case.
The surgeons and the psychiatrists hold out SRS as the final step in a journey to happiness. Nonsense. It's marketing for their services, just as you can see with any other profession. How does marketing work? The marketer must create in you the perception that his product will fill a void in your life!
In the end, however... the only one who can really decide whether or not there is a void in your life... is you. You have to make the decision that you have enough of whatever it is you think you're missing.
(08-03-2014, 04:29 PM)ClaraKay Wrote: [ -> ]Flame, you raise some interesting and useful points that I've been pondering. I envy your assuredness in your gender identity.
Thank you.
I think my assuredness is the result of my gender identity being structured on a few simple premises and its self-regulatory nature. Probably the most concrete assertion I can make about my gender identity is that it lacks a male ego. A secondary assertion would be that I have a number of personality traits that are more rooted in the feminine spectrum than its counterpart. While I do have a mission statement concerning gender: achieving an androgynous appearance, I have no timetable or grand plan to complete such a goal. My gender identity operates on its own schedule and its own gradual ways, whether it be NBE, lasering my facial hair, buying feminine posters, or watching Disney musicals.
Put it another way, my gender identity operates like my financial habits. It's doable I could become a millionaire someday. I'm frugal, but I'm not a miser nor do I live on a strict budget. Instead, I have more of an internal sense of what an appropriate spending level is for me. I don't spend time calculating how close I'm to the millionaire mark, but I do set reasonable fiscal goals every year. In other words, it's in my nature to accumulate and preserve wealth, as oppose to forcing myself to follow a master plan to become a millionaire or whatever. Having enough money is important to me, but it's not something that dominates my life or mind. Ultimately, my most important priority is having financial security and stability, as oppose to accumulating a set amount of wealth.
Perhaps a parallel can be drawn between my lack of temptation or urge to keep up with the Joneses and my lack of male ego?
(08-03-2014, 04:33 PM)Kari Leigh Doodlebug Wrote: [ -> ]This came to me like a firecracker as soon as I read your post Clara. I don't like to admit it but initially, there was a thrill with all the NBE, cross dressing activities that was similar to the sexual thrill I got from all the "extra curricular" (P&M) activities I used to do. The thrill of deviant activities was replaced (for a while) by the thrill of openly cross dressing in front of my wife, NBE and admitting I am transgender. I forget how long it lasted but it wasn't indefinite. It's like, even though my sex drive was pummeled by NBE, my mental sexual habits still demanded a "fix" of some sort before they too subsided. Then I found myself in a place where cross dressing was a peaceful, relaxing activity that I didn't HAVE to do but rather enjoyed. Eventually that gave way to what it is now, just a basic desire to incorporate more feminine / gender neutral attire into my daily life to satisfy the girl inside.
Kari, I can relate to a number of the stages you've described. I think the difference for me is I went through them concurrently, especially in my teen years. For instance, when crossdressing provided a huge rush for me, I was seriously wondering whether I was an MtF transsexual. I first took the Cogati at age 16. During that time, I also pored over a large number of sites concerning gender identity and transgender. The distinction between sex and gender was easy for me to grasp. I also realized that despite being a self-consciousness person, I had no personal shame about having a non-conforming gender identity. I never tried or felt compelled to act in a hyper-masculine manner to conceal my real gender. It wasn't until I started taking pm that my libidio and the erotic nature of crossdressing finally lessened.
This discussion is very interesting to me. It seems that both of you (Kari and Flame) arrived at where you are today through an evolutionary process that spanned a considerable time. That's encouraging.
Kari Leigh, you described a progression in your gender awakening that strikes a chord with me, and gives me hope that contradictions will be resolved in the course of time. I think it was Patti who warned that in the early stages of addressing one's gender confliction, the compulsions of M&P can give way to the compulsions to feminize and to cross dress. Moving beyond both phases is necessary to find true peace.
MissC, I never thought that transitioning would make my life better. I know that sounds contradictory, but it's true. Before starting NBE, I did a lot of reading about GID, as the condition was once known. I learned that, as often as not, transition brings nothing but false promise and heartache to those of us who have this medical condition. And, it IS a medical condition in most cases, not a sexual fetish, not a disorder of the mind that can be "corrected" with the right psychologist's intervention. The established treatments aim to lessen the dyphoria. I'm not sure how many completely eliminate anxiety, especially those who transition late in life.
Flame, I'm not sure what you mean by a "male ego". Do you mean arrogance, self-assuredness, and self-importance? I'm not sure I know how male-ego differs from female-ego. These characteristics are shared by both men and women. Women may hide their egos so as not to appear bossy or bitchy (one of society's female no-nos), but underneath the deferential facade, can lie a most self-seeking individual. It might help me to explain that.
I like your philosophy, Flame, and would like to emulate it, but knowing that you started your journey at age 16 makes me wonder if that's possible. It seems that you have come to a point in life where your gender has been confirmed or affirmed, and maybe that IS the ultimate solution. Everyone I know, except my wife, knows me as a normal male, not the gender-variant person that I truly am. So I continue to live in a gender purgatory, neither here nor there, not knowing to which side I will end up.
Clara