Easier said than done, but you should really try to accept yourself for who you are. If you can, your panic attacks will likely disappear.
The nonsensical shame about a situation that you have little control over is much too heavy a burden to carry for the rest of your life. Then again, I was never very religious ;p
Take a few deep breaths and realize that most people don't care about your problems nearly as much as you yourself do. The way you choose to feel about them is one thing you can control.
But like I said, easier said than done. The idea of you suffering over something so trivial in the grand scheme of things saddens me, that's all.
Hi Charrie.
Your post raises many "me too" type comments in my mind, but I am perhaps fortunate that I am 'less female' than you and transitioning has never been on the cards for me. There isn't much I can add to what everyone else has said, but from the vast range of opinions expressed you'll probably have gathered that nobody can tell you for sure what will happen to you, we can only tell you what has happened to us as individuals, and we are all different.
Personally, my gut feeling is that taking PM to try to quiet your mental anguish is a potentially dangerous route. My suspicion (from watching others experiences, not my own) is that it will push you to the transition path that you currently want to avoid.
I rather suspect that you need to try to get your head around your family, etc, situation first. However once the genie is out of the bottle, its next to impossible to get her back in again, I'm afraid.
I may be wrong, but I think that I'm the only contributor in a similar situation to Charrie: that is, late middle-age ( a bit older actually) but settled in a male role with those I care about, whom I do not want to alienate or otherwise upset, AND (I was) suffering intense mental anguish: depression, anxiety, existential dread, symptoms of OCD, etc (yes, there was more).
To tell someone in that state to get their heads around their situation/relationships before doing anything to address the symptoms is frankly unrealistic. It's like telling someone who is going through any other kind of extreme mental or emotional turmoil to "get a grip" or "pull yourself together". It won't wash.
If, as I srongly suspect, Charrie is experiencing similar symptoms for similar reasons, then the only solution is either to take real estrogen or PM, so in this instance, practically, that means PM.
Either it will work to fix the symptoms or it won't, but I'm here to tell you that doing nothing is not an option.
If it does work, then having a clear head is the best starting point for further decisions.
From what I've read, there are far too many middle-aged men who let their emotional turmoil lead them down the path to transition, only to deeply regret it later. Using PM to fix the mental problems, if it works, makes the best of a really bad job.
B.
Many thanks to all who have written to offer your thoughts. It has helped.
I will not at this time start on PM, but I did start the FG/RC/SP regimen. I will take is slowly, lots of meditation, prayer, checking in here, listening to my body and spirit to know how to proceed.
I believe it was Albert Einstein that said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different result." As I don't really think I am insane, it just seems wise to look at a different approach to settle the inner simmer-on-low-for-a-lifetime experience with which I have had opportunity to be blessed.
I believe I have "simmered down" for all these years so that now I am "thick and flavored enough" to accept whatever the consequences might be of a more feminized body, which frankly at this point I welcome.
Again thank you for your support and understanding. No doubt I will be around for more.
At 10 months on PM
Did I turn into a girl? Nope I did not.
I have grown breasts and they are still growing slowly.
Has my brain been rewired?
Well yes and no. Its not like Zena took over my mind and body.
The female feelings I had before I still have but I am just more
in tune with them and cope with them better.
Do I still enjoy a sexy pair of nylons and heels?
Yes I do! But I do not feel the need as I once did to wear them
to feel more feminine. Its like now its already there.
I have not felt the need to run out and yell to the world "Hey I am transgender"
To some it may not be enough but at this point I am finally happy
to be at least half the girl I wanted to be.
Maybe in the next life if there is one I will be born a girl.
PM is not a miracle herb but I would say its well worth a try.
Huggs to all
Elisa
Xena...
Yes more Xena...
Definitely more Xena...
Warning! This post may be viewed as trying to debate religion. It is not and I am not interested in any such debate. It does however give my own personal views of how religion can be a problem for people doing what we are doing and it is a plea to not let any religion tell you how to live your life or to hate anything about yourself. And I cannot say this strongly enough, I do not want to discourage discussion or suppress anyone's ideas. On the contrary, I firmly believe ideas should be expressed and discussed to fairly examine and determine their value to any reader. Ok, here goes.
(11-03-2013, 04:18 AM)moniker Wrote: [ -> ]Church is a social institution whose purported purpose is the promotion of ...
In regards to christian philosophy- your relationship with God is, first and foremost, a private affair.
Yes you're correct, religious inconsistencies are a real problem when trying to find ways to evaluate their messages. I think most people have a lot of trouble figuring out what to take from religions and what to reject. I do hope you are able to apply that to your own quandary and realize that it is a source of internal conflict you cannot fix. It can only be learned from and moved past. The self-loathing you describe is at least partially a product of that which you say is a reason to educate and chide church members for. Live, learn, love and grow. Don't try to tie a modern life to a social perspective that is from another time, another place, a different set of constraints on maintaining life and most of all, created for purposes you do not know by persons you do not know and never can. We have enough inner turmoil without allowing others to teach us more for their own purposes.
After reading the things posted after my initial post on this thread, I am somewhat surprised nobody, including me, has said anything about seeking counseling or therapy. So, I'm just throwing this out there, but it might not hurt to find a therapist. Trying to reconcile gender dysphoria against a religion that is very binary in its interpretation of gender and gender roles has to be causing an intense amount of internal conflict. Sure, PM might help ease the feelings of femininity, but it might also intensify them or do nothing. Not everyone experiences brain re-wiring.
Honestly, I'm not sure if I am or am not. I've become a lot more emotional and cry frequently, but this could also be extreme seasonal affective disorder caused by the shifts I've had to work during the time of year when there is the least amount of sunlight (my schedules have just worked out such that I've been deprived of sunlight all winter). It could also just be depression over a number of other things including declining health and a bad performance appraisal at work when I did my job no differently than I did the previous 3 years. Or the loss of my primary relationship and the fact all but one of my friends has ignored my emails. Maybe it is lack of sleep caused partly by my work schedule and the fact it is hard to work graveyard shift in an 8-5 world so I get phone calls while trying to sleep. All I know is I cry more than I used to, and it seemed to start when I started PM.
I'm sad to hear you feeling so down. I hope it's just that time of year. There are a few members now reporting feeling that way. Maybe take some time to get out for some fresh air and try a change of scenery?
(11-03-2013, 05:08 PM)MonikaT Wrote: [ -> ]After reading the things posted after my initial post on this thread, I am somewhat surprised nobody, including me, has said anything about seeking counseling or therapy. So, I'm just throwing this out there, but it might not hurt to find a therapist. Trying to reconcile gender dysphoria against a religion that is very binary in its interpretation of gender and gender roles has to be causing an intense amount of internal conflict. Sure, PM might help ease the feelings of femininity, but it might also intensify them or do nothing. Not everyone experiences brain re-wiring.
Honestly, I'm not sure if I am or am not. I've become a lot more emotional and cry frequently, but this could also be extreme seasonal affective disorder caused by the shifts I've had to work during the time of year when there is the least amount of sunlight (my schedules have just worked out such that I've been deprived of sunlight all winter). It could also just be depression over a number of other things including declining health and a bad performance appraisal at work when I did my job no differently than I did the previous 3 years. Or the loss of my primary relationship and the fact all but one of my friends has ignored my emails. Maybe it is lack of sleep caused partly by my work schedule and the fact it is hard to work graveyard shift in an 8-5 world so I get phone calls while trying to sleep. All I know is I cry more than I used to, and it seemed to start when I started PM.
Oh boy! That's sad news. From what you say, can I suggest that you look for a new job in the 8-5 region for starters? If you are on permanent graveyard shift, that's going to play havoc with your cortisol levels, with general health effects as well as possible weight gain. It won't do depression any good either. Personally, I'd like to see jobs with permanent night work banned... they are just not natural. You might just reverse the declining health problems.
Another thing you might want to try is getting wheat out of your life. Sounds crazy, but there is increasing evidence that wheat (modern wheat at least) is responsible for a whole host of modern illnesses.
It sounds like you don't have any personal commitments.... and your friends are not responsive.... why not take your own advice (kind of) and join a self help therapy group for GD sufferers? You might make new friends? (Of course, the meetings might be during "normal" hours ... another reason to change jobs.)
Of course, I'm making these bold suggestions on the strength of a few paragraphs - feel free to dismiss!
All the best,
Bryony