Shop for herbs and other supplements on Amazon


WTF now...? Or, "Only thing worse than not getting what you wanted is ... "

#1

"Getting what you wanted."

I'm not quite sure how to even start this, it's rather confusing. As others have spoken of the "WTF moment," only this isn't anything I could've really prepared for.

I started taking Barlowe's PM, 1 pill 2X a day (550 mg).  So, 1100 mg/day, for about three weeks now. That's on top of diagnosed Low T (but high DHT), and on-and-off herbals and Pharma.
I've had no additional growth, but now I'm getting sensation again. I'm also working out, might've lost a few pounds, maybe some body composition changes (down to 35% body fat, from 37.5%.)

And I'm looking at myself in the mirror, and...  I don't want the breasts any more.  I don't understand it at all...  

Has anyone else found that they suddenly wish they could rewind and undo THESE things? (I know we all wish we could change things from the past, I'm limiting it to NOT growing instead of growing.)  


I'm not going to be able to be passable, even if I lose about 80 pounds (in fact, passing might be easier WITH the weight, if it were in the right locations.) And while I don't look like a total genderfuck, I'm hardly where I thought I would be. Back when I started pharma, wearing a bra, secretly working towards transition, I got poked in the breast...  Which was then just a bud. But anyway - I LOVED the pain! It meant the girls were growing!
But now...   WTF?! Nipples are tingly, but I've got a broad chest, an inability to really lose weight (5 pounds can be all water.) I'd need a proper bra fitting, and - wearing sister sizes to what I believe I'd be - I'm feeling the wires, and it's good in one sense (less strain), but...  Not "right" an more!

I know it's possible to be very "manly" yet be female; or, I could look to Janae Marie Kroc; but... 
Now I'm just PISSED!

In a sense, it's just the latest in a LONG line of miserable happenings (The last quarter of my life, I've moved once a year; assisted others to move out of or back into the family; lost a father, lost several pets, been through bankruptcy, foreclosure, repossessions; stressful job just keeps getting worse; now I've also got legal issues going on, to the point I had to borrow against my meager retirement fund; Mom's had a near-fatal accident last year, now four eye operations since January & she's going blind...  the girlfriend, who is already a major source fo stress? Heart surgery last year, knee replacement this year, and hasn't worked even as a driver, while she's between temp jobs...  And no one will follow the SIMPLE diet rules so we could all get thin. When I took care of her following her knee surgery, she lost 15 pounds in two weeks, never feeling hungry...  But that's because I planned out three squares a day, high protein - as opposed to her normal "snack in the morning, then nothing until dinner" meal plan. An Ensure for breakfast isn't enough, she's probably not even eating enough calories! But then, she never gets off the couch...  )

Sorry, I'm rambling - but it's too close to the bone any more. We don't hit the Ren faires any more; she somehow invaded and it's just no fun any more. Blades? Showpieces, hang them on the wall. Money? Should be spent before it gets cold in the bank account. And I can't even feel safe in my own home now with the legal issues - a lunatic is running the asylum! (Working on moving out. Hard to find new living quarters.) 
And with legal issues, counseling isn't an option (can be used against you in court. ANYTHING can be used AGAINST you, but not necessarily FOR you.)

Anyway, now that the breasts are sensitive again, the woman has started biting the nipples. (Not THAT hard, but like how she plays with the other part - like it's a handle or a leash? About the same sort of consideration. Like tenderizing meat with a sledge hammer...)

So now even having breasts - which aren't any larger than they used to be, again - is a problem.
WTF?
I know GD can come and go - but this is a complete INVERSION.

Anyone else had that problem? I wonder if I'm just reaching the end of my rope here...  Only source of income, one head case, one lunatic, and me (and we could debate my sanity, obviously.) If I miss a paycheck, we don't eat...  Thank god I'm salaried, but I've been in the hospital more myself in the last year than the previous decade! (Just since January.) 

If I weren't already depressed, right?

Any suggestions on how to get back on top of the mess would be appreciated.

My current plans are:
 - GTFO. My guidance isn't appreciated, I'm withdrawing it. Get a f'ckin' job, bitches. (The psycho lost two jobs in a week; she was employed at one for TWO. SHIFTS. The other doesn't get off the couch.)
 - "Beat" the legal issues - it won't go away, but I can mitigate the problem, I hope.
 - Recover financial control again. My income, I reduce costs, I end the problem. Two fewer people hitting the ATM? Reduced living costs? I'll be cutting housing in half, alone.
 - Since I can't go back in time and correct the problem, I just need to get out there and learn to talk to people again...  If my life isn't constant crisis, I should be able to come up with something to talk about, instead of just being silent or a bitchy, whiny, miserable, creature.

After that - Maybe I can get the whole GD under control, get some time in at the gym, get the diet under control again... Maybe find someone I can have a relationship with again. I'm 41, I ain't getting younger. Not going to meet a 20-year-old hottie who's interested...  (Exclusively interested in women, and one who's been ridden a few too many times...  Well, I'm getting OUT of that situation, why jump back into it with a different woman?)

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences?

-Dianna
Reply
#2

I have the same thoughts.. back and forth. I wish I had an answer for you. It's good to know I'm not on alone having those thoughts. As for your life, only you can tak it back. People who are poisonous to your life aren't a help at all
Reply
#3

Too true Erin

Negative people in life 

Remove, dump, move on

Julie
Reply
#4

Dianna dear,
Not to be mean, but your life seems like a soap opera. You can miss a few hundred episodes and when you come back its like the plot hardly moved.
You really need to focus on dumping your room mates and family.
Then you will see that all you ever wanted will begin to take shape.
Bobbi
Reply
#5

If it's a crisis everywhere around you, your masculine side is called forth constantly to solve the crises. It's pretty much impossible to concentrate on your feminine side. Should you do anyway, it's a very dangerous form of escapism that will blow off in your face sooner or later.
Your current plans sound soundly to me. You know they are, just do it. To get some peace and time for yourself to contemplate your needs and options.
If you choose to play it safe and stay on the familiar side of the fence, good for you (and I mean it!!) If you have to move on, depending on your environment and your self-mastery, you could find happiness even if you won't ever pass. I believe if you really feel like a woman and give her your all, are honest, dedicated and  persevering, people will realise you are not playing games with them and yourself and will eventually come to accept you whatever you are. At least that's what I'm telling myself to not go bonkers with my height and that I will never... ever... you know....
CREDO! :)
Reply
#6

(15-08-2017, 05:47 PM)oki Wrote:  If it's a crisis everywhere around you, your masculine side is called forth constantly to solve the crises. It's pretty much impossible to concentrate on your feminine side. Should you do anyway, it's a very dangerous form of escapism that will blow off in your face sooner or later.
Your current plans sound soundly to me. You know they are, just do it.  To get some peace and time for yourself to contemplate your needs and options.
If you choose to play it safe and stay on the familiar side of the fence, good for you (and I mean it!!) If you have to move on, depending on your environment and your self-mastery, you could find happiness even if you won't ever pass. I believe if you really feel like a woman and give her your all, are honest, dedicated and  persevering, people will realise you are not playing games with them and yourself and will eventually come to accept you whatever you are. At least that's what I'm telling myself to not go bonkers with my height and that I will never... ever... you know....
CREDO! Smile

Thank you, Oki.
For feeling better about your height, I'd suggest you look at the Femulate blog...  Stana has a list of "Females of Height" IIRC how she terms it.
;-)
There are plenty of tall women...
And plenty who look like dwarves (Gimli).
But not like me.  ;-)

I'm just at the end of my rope, I got a call from my mother last night, hysterical, because she found something relating to her car accident injuries...   She's in Jersey, I'm in Boston, she's in tears on the phone, can't see, going blind... Taking care of these two here has always accounted for 100% of the income. I spend less, we're still broke. I spend more, we make it anyway...  WTF?

Parasites, I'm thinking...
And if I keep underperforming at work, I won't have to worry about the job any more...  :-P

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.  :-)

-Dianna
Reply
#7

(13-08-2017, 09:10 PM)Happyme Wrote:  Dianna dear,
Not to be mean, but your life seems like a soap opera. You can miss a few hundred episodes and when you come back its like the plot hardly moved.
You really need to focus on dumping your room mates and family.
Then you will see that all you ever wanted will begin to take shape.
Bobbi

Bobbi,
Soap operas have less drama! :-|

Once you get into a bad spot - it's hard to get out. GamerGuy has been writing about something similar - see, we don't hold women to any standards... Their violence is ignored. E.G., Madonna committed a sexual assault of a minor, ON STAGE, and there's not even a squeak.
If her husband (they're divorcing at this time) even had an affair, you KNOW he would be pilloried and dragged through the mud.

Just for example.

And I want to be one...   Angry
I grew up thinking women were adults, though. I grew up with female doctors, lawyers, professionals. Things have gone downhill for over 40 years...  Look at the dating advice for men out there.
Roissy, Roosh, Return of Kings (multiple contributors) - or check Shattered Men, Toy Soldiers, A Shrink for Men, Dalrock... 
Compare to "Hooking up smart", and contrast with the advice in Vogue, or even Teen Vogue (Just had the Anal Sex issue)...  Cosmopolitan, even First, Woman's Day, etc.

Anyway, I'm sorry - I'm rambling. I'm the ATM, the entertainment, the leader - except when they don't like what I've planned. But if I ask first, they don't know what they want. And I'm the bad guy for not "knowing" what they would enjoy.

If you do know much about it, read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. We seem to be farming a LOT of them these days...
I don't think it's accidental - it's profitable to have people unhappy, unfulfilled, angry, seeking to fill their emptiness however they can...

-Dianna
Reply
#8

We are walking a path.  Some get a few bumps and some defy death.  Our soul is a constant but our personalities are malleable we change them life changes them.
Reply
#9

So, busy several days (one of which was just depression-busy), but - I ran out of PM about 8/6, and made it to 8/9 before the "Feelings" started again...
Debating just getting Pharma.
:-P

Also, have to wonder, what if a male boosted T, took aromataze enhancers, And PM or Pharma?
Since i've always had Low T, I wonder if boosting T until it turns to E is a good approach for getting my head out of the hole?

I'm looking to Dopamine deficiencies at this point...  The other choice is Valium, but I need to go see a pshrink for that anyway (which i'll need shortly anyway...)

-Dianna
Reply
#10

(16-08-2017, 03:59 AM)Dianna1395 Wrote:  
(13-08-2017, 09:10 PM)Happyme Wrote:  Dianna dear,
Not to be mean, but your life seems like a soap opera. You can miss a few hundred episodes and when you come back its like the plot hardly moved.
You really need to focus on dumping your room mates and family.
Then you will see that all you ever wanted will begin to take shape.
Bobbi

Bobbi,
Soap operas have less drama! :-|

Once you get into a bad spot - it's hard to get out. GamerGuy has been writing about something similar - see, we don't hold women to any standards... Their violence is ignored. E.G., Madonna committed a sexual assault of a minor, ON STAGE, and there's not even a squeak.
If her husband (they're divorcing at this time) even had an affair, you KNOW he would be pilloried and dragged through the mud.

Just for example.

And I want to be one...   Angry
I grew up thinking women were adults, though. I grew up with female doctors, lawyers, professionals. Things have gone downhill for over 40 years...  Look at the dating advice for men out there.
Roissy, Roosh, Return of Kings (multiple contributors) - or check Shattered Men, Toy Soldiers, A Shrink for Men, Dalrock... 
Compare to "Hooking up smart", and contrast with the advice in Vogue, or even Teen Vogue (Just had the Anal Sex issue)...  Cosmopolitan, even First, Woman's Day, etc.

Anyway, I'm sorry - I'm rambling. I'm the ATM, the entertainment, the leader - except when they don't like what I've planned. But if I ask first, they don't know what they want. And I'm the bad guy for not "knowing" what they would enjoy.

If you do know much about it, read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. We seem to be farming a LOT of them these days...
I don't think it's accidental - it's profitable to have people unhappy, unfulfilled, angry, seeking to fill their emptiness however they can...

-Dianna

I hear you. Over the course of just a few months I've gone from feminist to men's rights activist. Karen Straughan has some great videos on Youtube about this subject (and gender roles in general). And RE about the dating advice given to men. I don't know if I really like to use the term "red-pilled" because there's some things I dislike about that community, but I've definitely grown a lot more cynical as I've gotten older.
Reply



Shop for herbs and other supplements on Amazon





Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)


Shop for herbs and other supplements on Amazon

Breast Nexum is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.


Cookie Policy   Privacy Policy