[oki]

So you know I passed my little real life test in a semi-protected environment. I chose an easier soft approach: no big announcements, just be as natural open feminine me as possible and let them cope, digest and come to terms with it. In retrospect it was probably a mistake, an honest coming out the first evening would make matters easier for them and more liberating for me. I'm so immersed in it that I keep forgetting that even intelligent educated people just don't know about and/or don't care for trans people and their... condition.
Emotionally it was a mixed bag. When I felt good I felt great, when doing nails and makeup with the girls. When I felt down I felt terrible. One day I found myself for the first time awake in that age old nightmare: with male mindset, feeling like a disgusting bloke and dressed in women's clothes, surrounded by people, feeling exposed and fragile like a glass (mad)house. I bore it the whole day and did not run to the room to change but it was an ordeal.
There was a day I was dressed boldly, bracelets, crimson nails... People were reserved so I walked among them freely but very much alone and sorta emotionless and thought that in 15 years it might feel like this. When most or all the work on a dream is done and the thrill of progress gone, I'm a normal woman, accepted as a woman, getting older, looking for a mate, on a grey today endlessly hoping for a brighter future..... Eww, pretty grim.
Generally girls accepted me much better, guys not so well. Especially those clever strong-opinioned types. I found I can sustain feminine mindset when I'm alone, on a street or even in vis-à-vis interaction but in a collective it's still difficult if not impossible. A coming out and insistence on the right pronouns and name could help here (yea, I let them use my male name, probably a mistake too). At the very least I found some girlfriends I can write to anytime for the advice. A real treasure for me.

On the homefront things are going bad. I made myself pretty today (yes, the year old goal of looking like an effeminate guy was reached and surpassed) and headed out to my hometown to do some shopping - another of those by yesterday unthinkable firsts. (I can't conjure up the beauty with my hair the way the pro did, but the result was still very nice.) I run into my father when leaving the house and was de facto told to leave the town as soon as possible. Which is congruent with my plans but still, to realise some parents are, you know, friends instead of ever frowning embodiments of disapproval and reproach...... sigh. And the locals showed a tooth too: the looks, the condescending laughter of the youngsters in the queue... Tough. I'm afraid it's just the taste of a string of many more little agonies to come, sigh sigh. Well I guess the sooner I get used to the adversity the better. This feeling of entitlement to expressing myself freely and without negative repercussions is very much illusory and makes me weak...

And I'm going to see a sexologist in October!! Now I need to nag some British bureaucrat's ass very well or prepare a stack of benjamins. Er, I mean palackys.