[EndlessEden_mn2010]

Uh-oh, Eden, how do I respond to the post like this?
The zeal made me smile and chuckle upon the first reading, but soon I realised that without this crusader-like attitude towards my cause I just won't make any of my dreams come true. It might seem unbelievable, given my "results", but deep inside I still see myself as just playing some casual private game which I can step outside of any time it gets too intense. And I constantly abuse this escape backdoor to safety .
But how do I achieve the paradigm shift? From being ashamed to being proud? I've recently tried (the spirit of the post on my mind) to consciously push myself the extra bit, disregarding ingrained notions of appropriateness, ignoring the screaming disonance, letting my hair down. Even though it feels fake and like a lie, repeated a hundred times it might become the truth, become me.
And it might be my only chance, because I'm fed up with my male personality. Often paralysed by calculating and over-thinking, with no emotion and spontaneity. On those (alas, how rare) occasions I feel like a woman it's like some happy uninhibited autopilot takes over me and guides me by intuition. It's the moments like these and the possibility of bringing out and nurturing this part of me that gives me hope.
Ah well, I respond with another soul-searching rant... I suppose I need to prioritize finding a therapist and a support group.

Ohh, you have no idea... i went through that too...

Prior to now, no one in daylight has ever seen me(public), the real me. i was so afraid, i felt 'fake' or 'insincere' the first few times. I noticed the Lower my Estrogen was, the more i felt that way... like i was forcing something i wasnt ready for. But, i found out something else... I LOVE Myself. My friends, came together(online), talked to me when i was feeling scared. They helped me through my terrified moments and distract me just enough to see. No one seen a 'man being a woman', they Seen a Beautiful woman, that was afraid to look like a man. 

Just to show that this is not some joke, here is a picture from around that time. at a Grocery Store.(Shopping)

I was so scared, but then, i just let go. I stopped analysing and started living. Soon a smile was on my face, i could breathe deeply and just be happy. I was alive

Hang in there girl, i see your struggle too