ok, I have an appointment with a gender therapist on Thursday next week which can't come soon enough because I'm freaking out a bit. I'm writing this to try and get my thoughts in line.
tl : dr version - I'm in the process of coming out as trans, and I'm not having second thoughts exactly, but I think from actually talking about it, and spending the last few weeks en femme socially, I'm confused about how I really identify.
Long Story Version
I've always had a fascination with the opposite sex. I'd go as far as to say envy. As soon as I was old enough to call the shots I grew my hair long and during my teens experimented with bisexuality (didn't take long to realise that I wasn't attracted to guys) and dabbled with going out in female clothes with my friends. I certainly considered the possibility that I was transgender back then and was open about it.
Then during my 20s I moved to Holland and I presented as a fairly normal hetero male, if a bit effeminate, but I'm a goth. We can get away with that. The feelings in my teens never went away, though I kept them to myself. I started reading a lot of transgender fiction and fantasized about the possibility of being female but never considered it something that could be a reality.
Then a few years ago I moved to the UK. One day I had the inspiration to write my own transgender fiction, which I did and published it on Fictionmania where it was very well received. Eventually I published it on Amazon as well. Again it was very popular, so I wrote more of the series, and over the last two years I've published 11 individual books altogether, and I'm currently working on my biggest book so far. It's the writing that has really brought these transgendered feelings to the surface, and made them a dominant part of me. I spend most of my time in my head with my stories and my characters, developing them and living their lives, exploring their thoughts and expanding the plots and really studying and philosophising about all the aspects gender. I'm not saying my books are special or even intelligent (they are mostly erotica and romance), but I do spend a lot of time in their worlds.
I never considered the possibility of transitioning, mostly because I'm 6ft 2in which would make it very difficult to pass. Then one day outside the train station I saw a stunning woman. She was about my age, about my height, wearing all black, and completely owning it.
It wasn't long after that that I began taking PM. That was a year ago. I love the results I've had on it and have completely accepted my height. I can totally rock it. A few weeks ago I started coming out to my closest friends, and have been going out with them en femme. They've been really accepting and supportive and just great. I've got some new clothes for this weekend that I'm really looking forward to taking for a test drive.
But I'm wondering, what the hell is all this about? On the one hand, if I could wave a magic wand and wake up tomorrow as a completely anatomically correct female, I would be over the moon. It seems that I would be completely happy doing a full transition. But at the same time, I've been happy enough presenting as male for the last 30 years. And there is no magic wand. I guess I just want to live my life in a way that would make me the happiest, and I'm not sure if a full transition is what would do it. I suppose I'm just nervous about being a transwoman. The area I live in isn't particularly friendly and I'm bound to run into trouble over it. Plus all my friends live in neighbouring cities so I wouldn't have them around for support. And I worry about future relationships. Are there women out there who would be interested in a 6ft transwoman? Certainly. Are there many? No.
Then again, I don't have to go full time. I don't even need to transition socially. And I do OK as a guy. But what then? Does that make me nonbinary? Genderfluid? Or am I just wimping out? Maybe. But before I officially come out, I need to know where I want to go with this. There will be questions. There will be stereotypes to challenge. It will be emotional and there will be no going back.
I have to get my head together. Bring on Thursday.
tl : dr version - I'm in the process of coming out as trans, and I'm not having second thoughts exactly, but I think from actually talking about it, and spending the last few weeks en femme socially, I'm confused about how I really identify.
Long Story Version
I've always had a fascination with the opposite sex. I'd go as far as to say envy. As soon as I was old enough to call the shots I grew my hair long and during my teens experimented with bisexuality (didn't take long to realise that I wasn't attracted to guys) and dabbled with going out in female clothes with my friends. I certainly considered the possibility that I was transgender back then and was open about it.
Then during my 20s I moved to Holland and I presented as a fairly normal hetero male, if a bit effeminate, but I'm a goth. We can get away with that. The feelings in my teens never went away, though I kept them to myself. I started reading a lot of transgender fiction and fantasized about the possibility of being female but never considered it something that could be a reality.
Then a few years ago I moved to the UK. One day I had the inspiration to write my own transgender fiction, which I did and published it on Fictionmania where it was very well received. Eventually I published it on Amazon as well. Again it was very popular, so I wrote more of the series, and over the last two years I've published 11 individual books altogether, and I'm currently working on my biggest book so far. It's the writing that has really brought these transgendered feelings to the surface, and made them a dominant part of me. I spend most of my time in my head with my stories and my characters, developing them and living their lives, exploring their thoughts and expanding the plots and really studying and philosophising about all the aspects gender. I'm not saying my books are special or even intelligent (they are mostly erotica and romance), but I do spend a lot of time in their worlds.
I never considered the possibility of transitioning, mostly because I'm 6ft 2in which would make it very difficult to pass. Then one day outside the train station I saw a stunning woman. She was about my age, about my height, wearing all black, and completely owning it.
It wasn't long after that that I began taking PM. That was a year ago. I love the results I've had on it and have completely accepted my height. I can totally rock it. A few weeks ago I started coming out to my closest friends, and have been going out with them en femme. They've been really accepting and supportive and just great. I've got some new clothes for this weekend that I'm really looking forward to taking for a test drive.
But I'm wondering, what the hell is all this about? On the one hand, if I could wave a magic wand and wake up tomorrow as a completely anatomically correct female, I would be over the moon. It seems that I would be completely happy doing a full transition. But at the same time, I've been happy enough presenting as male for the last 30 years. And there is no magic wand. I guess I just want to live my life in a way that would make me the happiest, and I'm not sure if a full transition is what would do it. I suppose I'm just nervous about being a transwoman. The area I live in isn't particularly friendly and I'm bound to run into trouble over it. Plus all my friends live in neighbouring cities so I wouldn't have them around for support. And I worry about future relationships. Are there women out there who would be interested in a 6ft transwoman? Certainly. Are there many? No.
Then again, I don't have to go full time. I don't even need to transition socially. And I do OK as a guy. But what then? Does that make me nonbinary? Genderfluid? Or am I just wimping out? Maybe. But before I officially come out, I need to know where I want to go with this. There will be questions. There will be stereotypes to challenge. It will be emotional and there will be no going back.
I have to get my head together. Bring on Thursday.
