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Nine months have past since I joined Breast Nexus and 7 months since I first posted here. I've been in a kind of reminiscing mood today thinking about how much as changed in my life over the past year. Wow! It's really remarkable.
In so many ways I feel like a whole new person. I've told some people that I've experienced a rebirth. I look different, I feel different, and even think differently. My life is more interesting, more exciting, and more uncertain than before. My sexuality has changed, as has my day-to-day relationship with my wife. I've made new friends, my social life has come alive, and I look forward to each new day.
I should be able to stop right here and be happy with all the good that has come to me to this point. Logically, it makes sense. I'm not dysphoric anymore, and my wife would be satisfied if I stayed the way I am now -- half man, half woman. But, somehow, something is pulling me further down the road. I can't really understand it. I seem to have a need to make Clara my dominant personality. It's like there's not enough room in here for the two of us...LOL.
So, I raise the question: Has NBE changed your life? Are you happy or regretful overall with the changes?
Clara
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Of course, none of the changes I mentioned came about without a lot of tears, fears, doubts, and support from friends here. Certainly the most emotionally traumatic event was coming out to my wife of 32 years. For years I kept my secrets from her for fear of rejection and break up. Many of us here are going through that same rough period. I've read that only 20% of transgender marriages stay intact. There's every reason to be worried, and I was.
Another thing I struggled with during the first 6 months or so was the constant tug-of-war between my male and female personalities. I would go along fine as Clara and, suddenly, have severe bouts of doubt, depression, and anger. I kept a log of my feelings since the first day. Rereading some of it today brought back memories of those troubled periods which had begun to fade from my consciousness. The support I got from my wife, people here, and just putting my thoughts down in the log made it possible to get through those bad times.
Clara
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14-07-2014, 07:37 PM
(This post was last modified: 14-07-2014, 07:40 PM by
AnnieBL.)
(14-07-2014, 04:09 PM)ClaraKay Wrote: So, I raise the question: Has NBE changed your life? Are you happy or regretful overall with the changes?
Clara
Yes, and happy.
And yes, its been quite a ride, and continues to be so.
. And I hope to be, and will put all my effort into being, part of the 20%!
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So many of us who are trans experience improved mental harmony after a few weeks or months, on PM. The effect is unmistakable. Sometimes I wonder if I have a male gender identity at all. If I did it has shrunk down to almost nothing like my testicles...hee hee. All that remains are the habits, conditioning, and knowledge that were imprinted on my brain from living as a male for a life time. That's not the same as male identity, though, and I suspect that some of that will fade over time, too, if I live long enough...lol. That's my one regret -- taking so long to find myself. I feel like Nelson Mandela getting out of prison after years of incarceration. Now I have to make up for lost time.
Clara
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14-07-2014, 10:37 PM
(This post was last modified: 14-07-2014, 10:38 PM by
SarahSchilling.)
Kinda like Sammie, I feel like I've talked so much about how much NBE has changed my life on this forum that responding to this thread would be redundant lol
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(14-07-2014, 10:37 PM)SarahSchilling Wrote: Kinda like Sammie, I feel like I've talked so much about how much NBE has changed my life on this forum that responding to this thread would be redundant lol
true, but all the same to answer the question, Yes! and for the better.
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(14-07-2014, 04:09 PM)ClaraKay Wrote: So, I raise the question: Has NBE changed your life? Are you happy or regretful overall with the changes?
I'm inclined to agree with Sarah, but I feel like writing a post regardless.
My answer would be yes and no. Has NBE influenced my pursuit of vocation or college major? No. Has it changed my perspective on politics and economics? No.
NBE has changed my feelings on crossdressing. The brain rewiring is also a nice benefit. My tinkering with my NBE regime is usually related to brain rewiring.
There's another change not exactly related to NBE but I think is worth mentioning. I think is the participation and interaction I've had over the last 2+ years on this forum. I've never talked so freely about my gender or been so close with online members.
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I have never felt more at peace with myself than during the past few months. Spring was wonderful, the colors and smells were beyond anything I could ever remember (but it may also have been that this past winter SUCKED and I was so happy to see green again!)
I am more focused on where I am and where I want to be.
