23-07-2014, 02:39 PM
I wasnt sure where to put this... I often need to write in order to clear my thoughts. You dont need to read this and probably shouldnt. I am certain you should be able to find a better use of your time. Lol Trimming your toenails or taking out the trash both sound far more important.
Oh, still here? Whatever...I warned you...
These hormones play games with my emotions and bring to life all manner of deeply rooted emotional issues and it can be a rough and confusing ride, sometimes flying high and pumped full of endorphins and other times lost, and confused and deeply depressed. I see so clearly why it is foolish in the extreme to attempt this journey without the aid of a good therapist. If my posts vary sometimes between extremes please bare with me. I am only human.
Today is my brothers birthday. He was born four years before me. When we were young, my parents split, and so, as a child, my brother filled the role for me of the male role model. He was tall, handsome, smart and quick as a whip, excelled in everything, and in many ways, was totally unlike me. Heck, no one was like me. But as I sought to survive and bury myself behind a wall of male characteristics, it was natural that I tried to emulate him in every way possible. My brother was always my best and closest friend, and I loved him more than words can say.
My brother became a successful radio personality in the world of rock music in the seventies, and knew personally many world famous musicians from Bruce Springsteen to Ray Daviess of The Kinks and Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top, to the gentlemen of Led Zeppelin. Standing in his shadow I met many of them myself.
My brother died in 1984, a victim of the cocaine craze that swept through the entertainment world at that time. Learning of his death was the single hardest moment I have endured in my life.
But I now realize he unknowingly contributed to the mess I am today. For so many years, my subconcious goal was to be just like him. He was untroubled by any of the anxieties I always wrestled with and moved smoothly and confidantly through the world. And I was wracked with deep seated doubts I could not address. So I strove to be like him instead of finding my self.
Today, as I find myself now engaged finally in the battle to liberate the self that never saw the light of day, I am filled with mixed emotions remembering him on this his birthday.
On the one hand, I miss him terribly, as I have every single day since his death. When the phone rings late at night in the back of my heart a place hopes it is him calling, as he often did, to catch up in the wee hours. When a song ends on the radio I am still disappointed somewhere inside not to hear his voice dropping in. He lives inside me and always will.
But on another level, I want to scream at him and berate him for having been so perfect. His example was too enticing, too attractive, and perfecting a slightly close copy for my own benefit allowed me to fool myself and the world for far too long into believing I was someone I am not.
And now, as I am slowly breaking down the walls and freeing the woman I always should have been, a strange thing is emerging.
I thought at one time, years ago, that I might be gay. Experimentation told me I was wrong. But as I find myself now, I realize the truth may well be more complicated. Despite the love I feel for my wife, I am beginning to think the woman in me, much like some girls who seek out husbands similar to their fathers...may be seeking a man. A tall, handsome, intelligent and kind man, quick as a whip and with a good sense of humor mixed with and strong and compassionate heart.
Have I said too much...probably. lol
Do I seriously entertain hope of finding such a person and then finding that they are interested in me? Ha...of course not. I doubt such a person even exists, and have no illusions, knowing quite well that even if such a person did exist they would certainly not be looking for me.
And besides, I have through my blindness, built a world where other very real people depend upon me and their well being is more important to me than my own.
But today...just today...well, forgive me.....a girl can dream, right?
Sigh.
Now, dont you wish you had taken care of those toenails ?
Oh, still here? Whatever...I warned you...
These hormones play games with my emotions and bring to life all manner of deeply rooted emotional issues and it can be a rough and confusing ride, sometimes flying high and pumped full of endorphins and other times lost, and confused and deeply depressed. I see so clearly why it is foolish in the extreme to attempt this journey without the aid of a good therapist. If my posts vary sometimes between extremes please bare with me. I am only human.
Today is my brothers birthday. He was born four years before me. When we were young, my parents split, and so, as a child, my brother filled the role for me of the male role model. He was tall, handsome, smart and quick as a whip, excelled in everything, and in many ways, was totally unlike me. Heck, no one was like me. But as I sought to survive and bury myself behind a wall of male characteristics, it was natural that I tried to emulate him in every way possible. My brother was always my best and closest friend, and I loved him more than words can say.
My brother became a successful radio personality in the world of rock music in the seventies, and knew personally many world famous musicians from Bruce Springsteen to Ray Daviess of The Kinks and Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top, to the gentlemen of Led Zeppelin. Standing in his shadow I met many of them myself.
My brother died in 1984, a victim of the cocaine craze that swept through the entertainment world at that time. Learning of his death was the single hardest moment I have endured in my life.
But I now realize he unknowingly contributed to the mess I am today. For so many years, my subconcious goal was to be just like him. He was untroubled by any of the anxieties I always wrestled with and moved smoothly and confidantly through the world. And I was wracked with deep seated doubts I could not address. So I strove to be like him instead of finding my self.
Today, as I find myself now engaged finally in the battle to liberate the self that never saw the light of day, I am filled with mixed emotions remembering him on this his birthday.
On the one hand, I miss him terribly, as I have every single day since his death. When the phone rings late at night in the back of my heart a place hopes it is him calling, as he often did, to catch up in the wee hours. When a song ends on the radio I am still disappointed somewhere inside not to hear his voice dropping in. He lives inside me and always will.
But on another level, I want to scream at him and berate him for having been so perfect. His example was too enticing, too attractive, and perfecting a slightly close copy for my own benefit allowed me to fool myself and the world for far too long into believing I was someone I am not.
And now, as I am slowly breaking down the walls and freeing the woman I always should have been, a strange thing is emerging.
I thought at one time, years ago, that I might be gay. Experimentation told me I was wrong. But as I find myself now, I realize the truth may well be more complicated. Despite the love I feel for my wife, I am beginning to think the woman in me, much like some girls who seek out husbands similar to their fathers...may be seeking a man. A tall, handsome, intelligent and kind man, quick as a whip and with a good sense of humor mixed with and strong and compassionate heart.
Have I said too much...probably. lol
Do I seriously entertain hope of finding such a person and then finding that they are interested in me? Ha...of course not. I doubt such a person even exists, and have no illusions, knowing quite well that even if such a person did exist they would certainly not be looking for me.
And besides, I have through my blindness, built a world where other very real people depend upon me and their well being is more important to me than my own.
But today...just today...well, forgive me.....a girl can dream, right?
Sigh.
Now, dont you wish you had taken care of those toenails ?
