First allow me to say I appreciate the concern shown by those who have replied. I am humbled to be so treated.
Secondly, Moniker and Monika T, I am sorry to hear of the heavy burdens with which you are challenged. My heart goes out to you both, and to others here. Certainly this gender dysphora is not an easy burden to bear as we who are afflicted with it well know.
Monika T, thank you for your suggestion about seeing a counselor. I have been to counseling with a gender specialist who "just happened" to have a Christian background. Her own experience made her familiar with the legalism with which I have dealt for so long. My faith makes it easy for me to understand that her background and my choosing her apart from knowing this particular about her did not "just happen."
To give a clearer view of my background please know that I no longer associate with the legalistic group that I was part of for so long. I left them about 4 years ago. I am still part of a conservative evangelical church, but one that is much more gracious. The pastor and numerous others know my gender struggles.
Moniker Wrote:In regards to christian philosophy- your relationship with God is, first and foremost, a private affair.
Moniker this is so very true for me. I practice my very private faith publicly. I can submit as necessary for corporate unity yet, I will not compromise belief that is the product of personal study and meditation. At times this upsets leadership. In legalistic churches crossing the leadership's boundaries has consequences. I have been dismissed from membership twice for maintaining my convictions over the leadership's demands that I do otherwise. I share this to help everyone understand that I do take my personal faith seriously even to the point of crossing church leadership if necessary, though I always do so graciously but firmly.
My turmoil has not come so much from "church" as it has from my own unwillingness to own my condition and live with it in a "it is what it is" frame of mind. I believe I have that challenge mastered. This is one of the pluses of separating from my wife (at her demand) and then facing the hurt of her final choice of divorce.
My current thoughts and choices are really born out of a desire to figure out how to give "life" to this very real feminine side of my total self while maintaining the expected male responsibilities that are mine as a father, grandfather, former husband, church member etc. I am willing to do this for others. I certainly don't desire to hurt them.
But perhaps I can't pull this off. Perhaps if my body feminizes enough I will be forced into a decision to transition. Perhaps not. I am not sure of many things, but of this I am sure; all those just mentioned above don't know the real me. I am tired of being less than authentic.
Perhaps I will never have to be Charlene full time. (Charrie is short for Charlene) Perhaps I can be accepted as a more feminine man. Perhaps I won't need to be.
LOL - lots of perhaps, yes? But here is something I have found interesting already. The decisiveness of the decision to start FG/RC/SP has already calmed me some. Knowing that quite possibility I have found an answer that could possibly move me forward has been helpful.
Doctors call what they do a practice, for a reason I believe. After all that dedication to study once they are on their own they are simply practicing. If they hit on an answer for a patient that works - wonderful! If not, they attempt something else, all with the goal of bringing relief to the patient. I see what I am choosing to do in much the same perspective.
I believe it was Albert Einstein that said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." I don't consider myself insane. So I am going to do something different and hopefully find some good results.
Wow, if you made it this far, thank you for your perseverance.
Any suggestions for the proper dosing amount of FG/RC/SP. I am 195lbs, 5'9". My FG is 610MG cap. My RC is extract standardized to 2.5% Isoflavones with 330 mg of RC and my SP is extract 320 mg standardized to 85%- 95% Fatty acids 272-304 mg 0.15% Sterols 480mcg.
For what it is worth, my underbust is 40" my bust is 42" my overbust is 41".