Heather, it's times like this that one's support network needs to step up. I don't know if my words can make things better for you, but that is my hope.

I used to believe that I could do anything that I set my mind to if I had the motivation and the determination to see it through. I believed that my limitations were temporary barriers to achieving my goals. I don't think I was unique embracing this philosophy. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people tell young people, "You can be anything you want to be."

I took that philosophy to heart as a young man, and in many ways it paid off by achieving worthwhile goals that have made my life better. But it also had its downside. I expected others to adopt the same attitude, so that if someone fell short, the blame was easy to assign. I was no easier on myself.

I know now that I was born transgender, but for one reason or another I wanted to be the boy and then the man everyone expected me to be. It wasn't a conscious effort, but was a formidable force that determined the course of my life. It was the force of will.

As I've matured, I've come to see the fallacy of following that philosophy to the extreme. One cannot be anything he wants to be. Some things are predetermined never to be. I'll never be a talented musician, I'll never be a gifted public speaker, and I'll never be a cismale no matter how much I try or how many people expect it of me, and if I continue to pursue such goals, it only leads to frustration and unhappiness.

The amazing truth is that we all have personalities, talents, and abilities that come naturally to us. Finding them and developing them is the path to a measure of happiness in life. Resisting those innate qualities at the insistence of others is the road to psychological ruin. Sometimes we make choices in life and feel obligated to fulfill the commitments we've made. That's fine. But if the obligation consumes your very soul, it's not helpful to anyone. You have to be true to yourself if you are to be true to anyone else.

Clara

Heather, my heart breaks for you. I am in a similar situation realizing that my own journey may divurge from that of my wife. I have considered backing away from what I am doing but I just cannot. I am finally becoming the person I was always meant to be and it is so hard. I may in the process lose someone very dear to me, either because she will leave me, or, concievably, I may need to leave her despite the risk of spending the rest of my life alone. It is a terrible place to be. But I cannot go back to the "settled for" emptiness of before. I wish both of us good fortune, dear friend.
Crying a little, just now...

It breaks my heart to hear you say that, Sammie. I'm sure you love your wife very much and would do everything to stay together, short of denying your own existence. I hold out hope that your DW will have a change of heart. I've witnessed that happening in the life of another friend whose situation is much like yours. Don't give up hope.

Clara

All of us who are married and have 'come out' or are contemplating doing so must appreciate that one's previous emotional relationship with one's wife is likely to take a beating. That part of the relationship is going to need to be substantially revised or reconstructed, a quite difficult task in many cases that requires a real commitment of both partners which a badly damaged emotional relatioship may make difficult. If the emotional relationship is all that holds you together, then I reckon that the prognosis is not good. Fortunately most of us have a real friendship or at least a 'common cause' relationship with our wives, to which it may be possible to appeal to help carry us through. I count myself very fortunate that I was good friends with my wife for so long before we became lovers, that she regards our friendship (if not our marriage) as unbreakable, and she is just as anxious as I am to adjust our relationship to accommodate the new circumstances; and even so we have to feel our way so carefully. TG/TS compulsions may prove such as to overstress even a very long and strong friendship. I tell myself and my DW that I am too old, too big and not in good enough health too even contemplate full time transition, but my feminine side has been repressed so far and for so long that I don't know what may happen if it finally gets loose. Seeing so many people here that I value and respect moving forward into new territory makes me sufficiently envious that I fear that I may be kidding myself.

Annie, I empathize with you. It is no easy place we all find ourselves in this late in life. Still, I agree with you about friendship between partners being the real glue, along with the other more tangible issues a relationship takes on board over the years. I have not lost hope, as my wife seems a little more accepting each week. Still, being only able to dress once or twice a month is so hard now, and getting harder.
I dread the day I must talk to my kids, but when that day comes I think it will be a turning point, although whether for good or bad remains to be seen.
I am so looking forward to seeing you, sweet friend, and having the opportunity to discuss these things face to face.

Though...lol...I fully expect we will all have our hands full swatting away eager suitors from our young, gorgeous sister Sarah. Hahaha

I consider myself very fortunate to have had the acceptance of my wife going back almost to the very day last October when I came out to her about my transgenderism. The problem is, what it means to be transgender is a moving target for us. It started as occasional crossdressing in private and taking PM for mental balance, which quickly led to a quest for breast growth and other feminizing efforts. Soon it was wigs and makeup followed by stepping out of the closet and meeting other transgenders. Each step raised new challenges to our relationship that had to be worked on. We both questioned where does this end? Can our relationship stay intact? Is there a point when the relationship is no longer viable?

My DW and I had a discussion about this just last night having recently come out to my mom and having made appointments to begin doctor monitored HRT with the intention of transitioning. New concerns arise. Are you transsexual? Must I now adjust to being in a lesbian relationship for us to stay together? I couldn't answer the questions. It's day by day now. I could only say that everything that's happened so far feels right for me. Would you go all the way including SRS? What would be the point of that? But, I see a worried look on her face, and I realize the goal of staying together is not a slam dunk.

We are meeting another TG couple tonight for the first time over a cup of coffee. This couple is facing all the same challenges. I think each of us are reaching out for answers and support for what is a very scary stage in our lives.

Clara