Breast Growth For Genetic Males

I live almost 24/7 as Katie now and have done for several months barring about 4 hours on a Monday when I have to go shopping, but even them I`m more femme than boy (more like a butch lesbian I guess?).

it`s gotten to the point now that living as myself feels perfectly Normal and even quite ordinary (I love Ordinary days!), I don`t feel at all Male even in the slightest sense and it`s rare now to even get Dysphoria except for certain bits below.

Wait... did I say it`s Rare to get dysphoric?
well, what I meant was it was rare until this week, Untill I had to go out to a parent teacher thing and present as Male without equivocation for my Sons sake.
Well that almost destroyed me!
when I got back home I  was shaking and just wanted to hide, after that had passed I had Soooo much Anger inside me I wanted to smash anything and everything around me (I didn`t of course, as its not my nature, but I sure felt like it!).
but the next day (yesterday) was al back to normal again, with my wife promissing me that I would Never have to go back to being locked away again, I can Stay as Katie forever!

Today some friends came down from Scotland with their 2 lads, both the same ages as my 2 kids, they wanted to take them out to the cinema.
Only I was left hiding upstairs in the bedroom, whilst all the long-time-no-see greetings and laughter was taking place downstairs.
I couldn`t go down as myself because of the children, I couldn`t get dressed as him because of the dysphoria, so I sat hiding upstairs in tears.
when they eventually came back, it was the same situation all over again except that after they had left a stray cat that we look after came into the house and ran upstairs, my wife downstairs was calling it to come down whisly waving goodbye to them in the car, then she called me to "scare the cat back downstairs", so I came out of the room and t ran downstairs anyway.


then it hit me Really hard, these kids that I used to fix bicycles for and their parents that could go to work as a result of us looking after those same kids would Totally forget all that and see me as a Freak! a Freak fit enough only to come out of their room if it`s to scare small animals away, an animal that I`d been looking after too!

I just broke

sorry I just had to post this as I`v no one else to tell.

Sounds serious All I can say you cant sit in the attic hiding and waiting for the world below to leave you alone. It breeds more and more fear and aversion.

I truly feel for you.  That is one worry that I am facing.  The worry that in order to feel good about myself, I have to lean more one way that the other.  Or just say bloody hell to my past! !   Not good.

(21-10-2016, 08:45 PM)oki Wrote: [ -> ]Sounds serious  All I can say you cant sit in the attic hiding and waiting for the world  below to leave you alone. It breeds more and more fear and aversion.

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Honestly..I have to agree with this.  You have to look at the cost/risks of coming totally out to see if it's worth it. Everyone has their level of comfort on how much they are willing lose to live their life.  Im was fortunate not to have any obligations like kids or even marriage. Been me for 16 years and never looked back!

I feel your pain Hon. I'm in on similar situation myself, I do not believe there is a simple solution.  I truly wish there was something I could say to help.

Whilst I can feel myself getting Much stronger now and somewhat Brave, I can`t help but feel that my actions will impact adversely on my kids and their social life, and it makes me feel awefull that my Selfishness will affect them, Not me, it doesn`t matter at all to ME what these parents or kids feel about ME, but it upsets me to know that it could hurt them, esp as they`re so accepting of me.

and I know that Conforming to others expectations all my life is what`s gotten me into this mess in the first place and that transitioning is all about Dropping that being myself,  But when it comes to my kids...

*sigh*

(26-10-2016, 03:32 PM)Katie Wrote: [ -> ]Whilst I can feel myself getting Much stronger now and somewhat Brave, I can`t help but feel that my actions will impact adversely on my kids and their social life, and it makes me feel awefull that my Selfishness will affect them, Not me, it doesn`t matter at all to ME what these parents or kids feel about ME, but it upsets me to know that it could hurt them, esp as they`re so accepting of me.

and I know that Conforming to others expectations all my life is what`s gotten me into this mess in the first place and that transitioning is all about Dropping that being myself,  But when it comes to my kids...

*sigh*

I am the same, however my kids are possibly a little older than yours. My eldest is at uni, and has a couple of gay friends. He does not get upset about me, just as long as I am happy. My youngest is only grade 12, and hates me being Jannet. As he is still in school I have promised not to be too open or come out completely. 
We have to walk a fine line between our commitments, and wanting to be ourselves. 
Its not an easy road, at least I am in a position that I can say to my self " just another year " and I can be me. It sounds like your not that lucky.

my youngest is 7, and my oldest is 11 but she`s being home schooled although she Does have friends come around and again I have to stay "locked away" whilst they`re in the house.
My wife hasnt told any of her friends either but is now at an acceptance level whereby she`s been considering it, so I`m really happy about that! although I have pointed out she Could possibly Lose them.

for Me, other than next door neighbors I`m as Out as I can be now, and certainly after Nov 2nd when I tell my doctor. and even with that I`m still going out in the garden to peg the washing out en femme regardless of their CCTV camera being able to see all in our yard.

I tend to Use my dysphoria, and although that`s Great for some things, it can be problematic in that the  strength and "courage" I turn it into can`t always be used where it involves others that you care for.

it`s real catch 22 stuff!

Life is a deliemma unto its self. Every choice we make and dont make, have long-felt reprocussions. its rare to see them all, and even more rare to understand them. 

The human mind is more a delicate balance of misunderstood chemicals, hormones, memories and feelings. You can never easily judge anothers reaction, before giving them the opertunity to decide. A Simple thing as being 'happy' can change a persons outlook on something drastically. 

Feed a starving crowd food, and you can raise a society. Starve a hungered society and feed them knowledge, they still will abandon you...

So, dont fret too much about the what if's, the future issues, the current dilemma's will sort them selves out. Worry most what is right for the you, in your skin. People will take a stance regardless of your opinions or efforts. You just have to make sure you are doing efforts for the person you want to be, not the person that others want to see. Because, people never know what they really want until they have it, then never knew what they really needed until it is gone.

Well, thats my intellectual outlook anyways.

and here`s what happened during the year later...

4 weeks after these posts I went Full Time as me right up until now, with no exceptions. I let the sadness turn to Resentment, and the resentment into Defiance, which lead to Action. I came out to Everyone! no exceptions either, i was a Driven, Fierce and unstoppable!
even told the in-laws. my father in-laws` reaction (the one I worried about most) was nothing short of stunning! he was like "oh, ok" and that was that!
seriously, as if it was a new book I bought or something, just "oh, ok" LOL

lesson: watch out for Paper Tigers! the REAL Monsters (other than the ones that wear business suits) Live in our own heads!

to date I`v had No bad reactions from comming out, and Sooo many good ones! my fave was my friend Rob, he saw me as me for the first time and his jaw needed lifting off the floor "Wow!!.... you look..(pause to think of words...) Beautiful!" and he couldn`t keep his eyes off me LOL. my other male friends think nothing of going out somewhere with me in public, a drink or meal (or a Computer museum  or 2).
the only unexpected reaction was with my mother, who at First seemed to be accepting and made atempts to understand, but kept dead naming in public,  hasn`t spoken to me for nearly 3 months now. her loss! I don`t need her brand of passive agressive judgementalism in my life anyway

But what`s been Really nice is the amount of friends I`v made Since I came out, none of them ever knew "him" and most have no idea that I`m trans*,  a lot of them are other school moms that you meet almost daily and get chatting etc... and then go out together for days out or breakfasts or picnics etc... all very Ordinary Normal stuff, and it`s Awesome!   I get all sorts of party invites, even invited to ball in feb next year (still need to sort myself a nice ball gown for that one!). everything i ever wanted was always just on the other side of fear!


Comfort Zones are over-rated anyway!